MRI

Well today was the day. I was supposed to get bloodwork done as well, but I think I may have to fast for those and I realized that it is probably a separate appointment as well. I will take care of that before I head back to the neuro. So, my dad had me thinking an MRI was relaxing and I would just kind of nap through it, etc. NO. The way I described it was that I told these people I had a headache so they got the idea that they would try to make it worse. They succeeded! BOOM BOOM BOOM over and over and over. Lots of different tempos, volumes, and patterns. It was awful. I was tearing up I was in so much pain, but they tell you not to move. I just hope for the love of everything good today found the problem. Unfortunately, I won't know for a couple weeks. I will definitely be telling my neurologist the new meds aren't working either. I hurt so badly.

I did go back to work reluctantly this weekend. I worked Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. Friday made me really mad cuz I got pulled to another floor AGAIN. I wasn't even supposed to, but the nurse that was supposed to say she was tired of getting pulled every Friday. Um, look at my record page. Before I was out for three weeks, I was getting pulled every week. So, on my first night back in three weeks, I get to suffer even more?? Whatever. Fortunately, I had a pretty decent group for the most part. Then Saturday, I had to transfer a patient, because she either had a heart attack or was going to have one. Her bloodwork was crazy. Sunday, I fought all night to keep a patient alive. She had a foley catheter in but was still not making urine. She was really not responsive except to pain. I tried giving her a bite of applesauce to test if I'd be able to give her meds. It sat in her mouth for a second, then fell right out. It was bad. Then her blood pressure kept dropping. I ended up giving her a small (250cc) bolus. Just from that, she started wheezing and using accessory muscles to breathe. She was going to go into congestive heart failure soon. Her right pupil was sluggish. Doctors ordered a renal ultrasound for the next morning. They did not want to put her on tele or do a CT. Why? Who knows. They did d/c bp meds(whoever gave her afternoon meds was an idiot for giving it when her bp was already low), IVF, and hmmm something else. Anyway, I was just really sad. I fought hard for her. Then at shift change that morning, orders were put in to be transferred to palliative care. Pure defeat from my end. I hate feeling helpless. There was really nothing else I could have done unfortunately.

Sister's Response

I heard back from my sister tonight. She completely ignored every daggum thing I said in my email except for one. The part she replied to was that she was sorry I'm upset with her but she didn't know she was not supposed to tell my dad. Hmm. REALLY?! Cuz I freakin told you I didn't want him to know! Please tell me how much more clearly I can put that next time so that you understand not to open your mouth!! Ugh. Still not feeling great. New meds aren't helpin and there must be somethin in the air right now, cuz I've felt a little congestion again today as well. MRI and bloodwork is scheduled for Tuesday. I may not know the results until I go back for my followup with the neurologist which I think is the 17th maybe. I just want them to figure it out. I'm so tired of bein sick and tired! One of my coworkers may come hang out tonight, but he's pretty slack so I'm not countin on it. We shall see. I'm supposed to pull an allnighter tonight for work tomorrow. Worst thing I could do when I'm trying to prevent myself from feeling congested again. Ugh. I did take some dayquil though. We shall see.

Neuro Appt

My dad went with me this morning to my neurologist appt. I was definitely nervous, but she was very nice. She doesn't know what is going on. She did give me a new med that I've never been on but I have given to patients who don't have relief from other pain meds. She wants to do some bloodwork and we are also scheduling an MRI to do in 3-4 weeks. I hate that I have to wait that long, but she did say she doesn't think at this point that it is MS. She also doesn't know what is causing this. But ya know, I'll take the waiting if this new med will just knock the pain out without knocking me out so I can go back to work!! I can't afford not to be working!!

Relationship Service

Tonight I watched an online service from my old youth pastor that he gave either yesterday or last week. It was all about reimagining relationships. He said that too often we don't want to be disturbed and brought out of our status quo when it comes to fixing relationships. He pointed out that we today are more connected technilogically than ever before but less connected relationally than ever before and Facebook was the perfect example. He stated that he was a member of it as well, and thinks Facebook can be a great thing and used to help people in many ways. It does have it's downsides too as we all know. The point is that Facebook knew people long to connect with other people. I personally am a perfect example. It's not easy with the hours that I work to simply go out and meet knew people. I have very few friends because I've lost many over the years. I somewhat did this to myself unintentionally. In high school, I usually hung out with the people a year or two older than I was. When they graduated, I was stuck looking for a new group. By senior year, people kind of had their group and so I was kind of an outsider of my own group if that even makes sense. Then in college, I was super busy. I definitely had my share of fun, just maybe not as much as most. I also did not stand up to one of my roommates enough about doing stuff with people I wanted to instead of who she wanted to hang out with. Then I started my relationship with my ex, and I never felt included in their group. Yes, they were nice. But I never felt a part of them. I wasn't like them. I don't think it was the fault of anyone. I think it was simply different personalities. Well, I think this was just one more thing that contributed to my ex and I ending things. Who knows.
So, yes, there are definitely reasons I feel the need to connect. He said that we too often, though, let pride get in the way of fixing our relationships. We want God to forgive us every time we ask and we want to ask an infinite number of times. On the other hand, we want to count the number of times people hurt us and we don't want to forgive them.
This really hit home with me, because of the situation with my sister. Sunday was the first time I've so much as spoken with her in a month. I kept waiting for that apology and for her to realize what she had done. Every time I've prayed I was letting my pride get to me. My prayer would always be along the lines of "Lord, please help my relationship with my sister to get better. I know I need to take steps to fix it, but I told her I didn't want to talk to her until she apologized. If I give in, she won't get it." Something like that. Anyway, it is something I've obviously been struggling with. And I've never really considered myself overly prideful, but I guess sometimes I really am. It took that service tonight to make me realize it.
So, I sat down and emailed my sister. I told her from the very beginning my intention was reconciliation. I told her things that I was upset about that she thought of me. I explained I have learned I will probably never get an apology from her but that God has made me realize it's not my job to make sure she gets it basically. I also explained the things that have bothered me about how she treats people. Throughout the entire email I reassured her that my intentions were pure and I was hoping she would see it as me trying to reconcile rather than her wanting to start a fight over it.
I really don't know what kind of response I will get or when I will get one. I am nervous, but I also feel good. I can finally say my prayers tonight (or whenever the heck I finally fall asleep) and not make up an excuse over why I haven't attempted to reconcile with my sister. I also sent an email to my youth pastor thanking him for the impact he has on people and that I wanted him to realize he really does make a difference. In general terms, I explained to him I'd had a relationship that needed to be fixed but I was letting my pride get in the way, but that he helped push me to fix it.
My appointment is tomorrow. I called into work again tonight. I tried so hard not to. I just couldn't get my head to stop. I am really nervous about tomorrow, but my dad is going with me, so maybe he will help to kind of calm me down. I mean, it's worth a shot right? I was going to go by myself originally. Work could have made my nerves a little better tonight, because I'd be stressed over work instead of the appointment. But I was so afraid of all the noises hurting my head so badly. And after nearly fainting yesterday, I felt it may be important as well to try to keep myself pretty busy today with things I had to do to try to get myself back in the swing but not over do it. I just pray that they can find an answer tomorrow and it is easily treatable. I am really scared, but if tomorrow puts an end to this and I can move on, I'll be so grateful. My stepmom did say, however, not to expect the MRI tomorrow the MS. She said that in her experience that would be in another appointment. So, I'll most likely do a CT tomorrow and I don't know what else. I've had a CT before. It only bothered me, because, hello, who wants a big bright light shining in your eyes when your head hurts? Not exactly what I call helpful. So, I'll just try my best to remember to close my eyes! :)
If you're interested in listening to the sermon I discussed, here's the link: http://www.thequestonline.com/messages/re-imagine-relationships/ Happy reconciling!

Rebaptism

Today my sister was rebaptized. To some, this may seem outrageous. To my dad, it definitely did. However, there is another side to this. I have had mixed feelings about it for awhile, but it has been something I have also at least considered for myself. My sisters and I were all baptized as infants. This was one of the many things my parents disagreed upon. My dad was raised Lutheran; my mother baptist. When they got married they compromised on Methodist. My mother was very opposed to infant baptism, but began to be okay with the idea once she realized it is somewhat more of a dedication to the church and the idea that the church will guide the child in the ways of life and God.
Today I was made a complete believer in rebaptism. At my sister's church, it is one of the "campus churches" where you have a minister who preaches at a church and many different areas watch from a screen. It really is a wonderful concept, and the minister is incredible. Well, today they were having a massive baptism after the service, so the service was on baptism.
He pointed out that every baptism in the Bible was by complete submersion. He also said that the Greek word for baptism literally meant under water (don't quote me on the exact translation..I forgot to write it down..sorry...but that was the general idea) as opposed to "raino" which means to "sprinkle" as in infant baptisms for example.
He also pointed out something that really hit home with me. He was saying that many people feel that if they decide to rededicate their lives to Christ, it means that they must get rebaptized; however, this is not the case. On the other hand, there are many reasons many people should be rebaptized. The example he gave was actually his own personal experience. He stated that at the age of 5, he, the ADD kid that he was, got excited when the minister opened the alter to prayer, and so he went and kneeled. The minister proceeded to put his hand on his shoulder, and said to pray a certain prayer. Upon completion, he stated that the little boy was now saved and would go to Heaven instead of Hell. He said, he had no concept of what Hell even was. A couple of years later, someone at church (a different church) asked if he had been saved. The idea in his head was that "oh, yeah, definitely I got saved because "preacher" said so!". However, then he was asked if he was baptized by submersion, and he said no. So, he was then baptized a second time. A third time, a few years later, he began to have an understanding of what a life with Christ really meant and what being baptized was all about. In this case, he was then baptized a third time. Out of three times, only once did he actually have any idea of what it actually meant and the impact it had on his life.
My sisters and I, all having been baptized as infants, had a completely different experience. Our parents made the decision for us. It was not ours to make. Now, my dad would say, and has said to me, that if I was to ever get rebaptized it would mean I did not believe it actually worked the first time. That has stuck in my head for years. The preacher today mentioned that he has people say they do not want to get rebaptized because it would upset their parents (I thought it was rather amusing my dad was there today for this reason but have yet to talk to him about his opinion on the service). The minister pointed out, however, that we dishonor God when we go against what he wants to please our parents. Yes, the Bible says honor your mother and father. In no way, does this mean do not honor God's will.
It was an eye opening service that I will remember for the rest of my life. I am not ready to get rebaptized, but I have decided that one day I will. It also makes me believe I am now more Baptist than I am a Methodist (I have considered myself half and half for a long time now).
Anyway, I hate to admit this, but this is where things didn't go so well today. I actually missed my sister's baptism! (no, i will never admit that to her) Well, as you already know, I've been sick for a couple of weeks. Well, in the service (please keep in mind I've done basically nothing but sit and watch tv for two weeks) I started getting really hot. I started fanning myself hoping it would cool me down. It kept getting worse. I started sweating (my head was already completely pounding again because of the music and lights from earlier). Everyone had been asked to stand. I did. Aaaaand then quickly changed my mind. I got very lightheaded and even hotter. My stepmom was sitting behind me and tapped me asking if I was ok. I remember that she was a blur to me at that point but I told her I was ok. Fortunately, the service ended a few minutes later. Of course my family was very concerned at that point and I simply excused myself and went to the bathroom. There were peppermints in there and I definitely ate a couple of those just incase it was my bloodsugar (although I'd had cereal and a coffee less than three hours earlier). Well, by the time I got outside to the baptismal pool, there's my little sister climbing out of the pool. :( I was really sad. Not only that, but my other sister had followed me into the bathroom incase I fell out, and so she missed it as well.
Well, then everyone is standing around talking and the sun is beaming down on me when I was already not able to cool down while inside. Pictures were taken and then people were trying to figure out where to go to lunch. My stepmom looks at me and starts to panic saying I'm going completely pale. Well, I am olive complexioned, so this was definitely not a good sign. She walked me to my car and told me to turn on the AC and gave my sanitizing wipes to wipe on my arms, legs, and neck (alcohol cool body temperature..which I didn't learn until my patient a few weeks ago had a temp of 103). It started working fairly quickly and by the time everyone was ready to leave, I starting to come to again. When I got into the restaurant there was a burst of cool air in the waiting area. I sat there for several minutes. Everyone was freezing but I was feeling fantastic finally. My color came back quickly. I've never fainted, but I'm pretty sure I was only minutes from doing so today.
Now, does this have anything to do with everything that has been going on lately? Honestly, it is a possibility. I am THINKING though that it was simply a hormonal thing even though I have never had a "hot flash" like that before. I mean this was intense. I am praying that's all it was, but it does still scare me and I wonder if I should mention it to the neurologist this week or not.
Anyway, that's my update. I am praying I have the strength to go to work tomorrow night. My mom told me this morning she was unaware I hadn't been back to work since she'd seen me, so now she is concerned for not only my health but my finances as I am. I NEED to be able to make it to work tomorrow. Today was not a hopeful look into the future, but I am going to continue to pray for healing and good news this week. Good news to me would mean they would find what is going on and that it is very easily curable or treatable. That's what my prayer is.

Running Out Of Options

So, as I sit in tears fearing for what may come Tuesday, I'm in tears for another reason. I got my paycheck today, and I came to the realization, it is quite possible I will literally be running out of money soon. One of my greatest fears, and it's right around the corner, because my next check will be even worse. The check I got today will cover my rent and one of my loans. So, I already transferred more than half my savings into checking and I'm praying I won't have to use it all. I am supposed to travel an hour one way this weekend to go shopping for bridesmaids dresses this weekend and also celebrate and witness the fact my sister is getting rebaptized. I see dollar signs. I know it's horrible. But, I know with the group that will be there shopping for dresses, they will most likely want to do lunch or dinner. I don't know how I'm going to handle that yet. It will either be that I say I can't, and ask for my sister's apartment key or else I go with them and get water while I watch everyone else eat and I go hungry. I've already told myself I'm taking snacks. I can probably play off the one where I say I'm not hungry and then eat when I get back. It would suck, but I think it's doable. My sisters currently do not know I'm out of work without pay.
One of my sisters knows I've been sick (I think at least cuz Lord knows I've talked to her several times lately and she hasn't even asked how I'm doin soooooo maybe I'm wrong?? But I just don't mention it.). The other sister, I still haven't talked to (I've figured out tomorrow will be one month) since she completely betrayed me by telling my dad about the symptoms I've been having. She is supposed to be there tomorrow. I still have a headache, and I am not going to be in the mood to deal with her. I warned her ever since this started that if she has not apologized to me by the time I see her to not expect me to be okay around her. I have gotten no apology. It's really hard for me, because I definitely don't want to ruin this day for my other sister. I told the older one (one I'm not talking to) that the whole reason I tried to work this out before was that we were supposed to see each other in a couple days (this was a month ago) and that I didn't want to ruin it. Well, that day ended up getting cancelled for whatever reason. So here we are again, and I wonder how it's going to go. I've just had it from her. She is not the person I used to know, and I always pray she will come back, but until her husband stops letting her walk all over him (no, I'm by no means saying I want him to mistreat her) then she will never learn she can't talk to and treat people the way that she is.
Anyway, I'm supposed to work on Monday. I have told myself I'm really going to try to go in. It will really be challenging, because it will mean I will work all night and then not be able to sleep before an appointment that will probably be a long while. Sorry, but I don't do well if I've gone nearly 24 hours without sleep. On the other hand, however, I AM GOING TO RUN OUT OF MONEY!!! I have even thought of where I would turn if I really find out I can't pay my bills. I have always been so financially responsible, and so me asking for money is something I've simply struggled with. The only people I found that I could even consider asking would be my parents, even though I know that would be admitting failure. The problem is that they don't have any money themselves. Soooo what is a person supposed to do? I already haven't been goin out much (for months and months and months...I get out occasionally). I've been restricting my driving to save on gas for several months. I mean, I can't very well get a loan to pay loans. That'd be like me getting a credit card so I can pay off debt. Um. Stupid. But really, what is a person supposed to do?? I have about $300 that I can take out of my other bank to try to help. That will almost pay one of the bills that I have. If I can't work, I can't very well start working the overtime that I'm already planning on working for at least ooooh I don't know months. I'm on the brink of telling my best friend in the whole world I can't be in her wedding next month. I still have to get my dress hemmed which will be more money. I still have to pay her parents for the hotel. I still have to have the gas to make the 4-5 hour trip ONE WAY.
All of this on top of me being stressed over what they may find physically wrong with me on Tuesday?? Somebody please tell me how I'm supposed to cope with this?!??!?!?!?!?!?!??!

The Truth Is Soon To Come

Tuesday I will officially see a neurologist. Yes, previously, I'd stated that I'd taken the stance of "keeping my head in the sand", however more problems arose. About a week and a half ago I was diagnosed with a sinus infection (something I get several times a year, no big deal). This time, however, I was reminded of one time last year that I had the same problem. A headache that simply will not go away. Last year, I was admitted to the hospital for a night, given every drug under the sun and then discharged (with a headache still), because I did not currently have insurance. I'm happy to say, I do not work, nor will I ever be a patient again, at this hospital. They even called me while I was in my hospital bed to talk about daggum insurance! However, I digress.
I went to the ER on Sunday. I had already missed a week of work (three nights as a nurse), and Sunday made my fourth. I was given an antibiotic and also a pain med with codeine specifically used for migraines at urgent care when I was diagnosed with the sinus infection. It got rid of all my symptoms...but did not touch my headache. So, when I went to the ER, I was given a stronger antibiotic and then vicodin to try to knock it out. Absolutely nothing. I have now been out of work five shifts counting tonight. I am not feeling quite as badly today as I have been, but I also spent 97% of my day and evening completely horizontal in bed. (minus a daggum firealarm that went off in my apt complex that woke me..yeah, that was fun).
I was told in the ER Sunday that if my headache was still present in 48 hours, to call a neurologist and gave me the name of one (which, if you remember, was a problem I had before of knowing which one to choose). Well, Monday morning (yes, even though I haven't worked in over two weeks, still having trouble switching nights and days! haha), I hoped and prayed that things would get better, because I was scared of what a neurologist may find. Tuesday morning came, things weren't better. I waited, took my antibiotic, ate some breakfast. Things that I thought may make me feel a little better. Nothing. So, I called the neurologist.
This lady needed a new job, because it was obvious how much she hates her current one. Anyway, this secretary proceeds to tell me that she can get me in on Tuesday of next week. I obviously have a shocked reaction, because she replied, "What? Does that not work for you?" To which I replied, "Yeah, I, mean, that's fine. It's just so far away." "Well, it's really not --" "I know, I know..it's not your fault..I'm just hurting" "Well, most people take months to get in...." Just rude. Yes, I understand how things work. I'm in the medical field, but I'd already dealt with the headache for almost a week and a half to the point I couldn't work, and now I'm being asked to deal with it for another week. That's not easy.
So anway, I also told her that I would also like to be tested for MS. (Yes, since I'm going, I will go ahead and be tested even though I'm already scared about the headache.) She told me it was something I can talk to the doctor about. So, you're telling me that it is so difficult for you to write down that the patient has an ongoing headache and that she would like to also have MS testing done? Really. Just write it down, woman. That way, my appointment slot won't look like it should be maybe an hour or two appt for the office, when, in actuality, it may very well take much longer. I have no idea.
Needless to say, I'm annoyed and in pain. I haven't been on my computer much lately, because it hurts. Honestly, I've written this blog in pieces, but I had to get some stuff out. Yes, I'm truly scared. It's kind of the downside to having the medical knowledge that I have. I know what things like a CT scan can show, and I've been having the nightmares to prove it. I fear my whole life could change Tuesday, and there's nothing I can do about it.
What's worse is that I don't even think the last couple of nights I had enough vacation time to cover, so I'm pretty sure I'm out of work without pay at this point. I still have to (odds are) call in tomorrow night and also Monday. I would have to call in Monday anyway, because there's no way I can work all night Monday and then make it to an 11am appointment. Are you kidding? I am getting ready to move in roughly a month and a half, and I desperately need the money. I had already planned to start picking up some overtime, because I have trips and things (including Christmas) coming up. Well, looks like I will now be dipping into my savings that I've tried so hard not to touch. It isn't like I have an overabundance, but it may be just enough to get me over this hurdle, and Lord am I prayin it does!! I have no idea what I would do if I can't pay my bills and afford the app fee plus first month's rent on my new place. I definitely can't stay here month to month, because my rent will increase about $500. There's no way even if I had been working the whole time I could afford that kind of a jump. I barely make it now. I end up with a couple hundred bucks left in between paychecks if things like pharmacy bills and unexpected things don't come up. I have been working diligently to pay off my debt and figured out the other week just how much I'd paid off since I started. I was actually proud of myself, considering a portion of it was when I was simply a hostess in a restaurant. I fear it is all about to change though. I will definitely be working overtime when I get to feeling better. It is no longer an option. I will be telling them every time I leave work to call me if they need me. It is truly going to SUCK, because I'm so relieved after a horrible night and I'm totally exhausted and get out at 10am sometimes and realize I don't have to come back that night. Well, things are about to change and there's nothing I can do about it if I'm going to stay on top of everything. This is the worst possible time to have to worry about all of this, because I'm definitely fearing for my life and life as I know it right now. Add financial troubles on top of it, yeah, I'm stressed. I'm not really fun to be around right now, but that's partially because I've spent the majority of the last two weeks by myself. I'm going stir crazy. I can't leave my apartment, because I can't handle light. I can't handle noise, so the tv stays on as low as it can go. I can't read, because it hurts. I managed to clean my apartment in many many many stages last night. Got all done but the vaccuuming, because it was about 4am.
I doubt anybody actually reads this blog, but if you find that you've stumbled across it, would you mind please just saying a prayer that everything will be ok? I'm truly very scared right now. Thanks!

Ouch

I got home from work a little while ago and I'm exhausted. I got pulled for the fourth time in a freakin month. Even the charge nurse from days and then the charge nurse from nights on the floor I was pulled to felt it was excessive. It was reassuring to know I wasn't freakin nuts for HATING the fact it keeps happening. Anyway, I've had better nights, but I've also had much worse. I started off with four patients, so I basically knew to expect an admission. I worked hard to get as much done as I possibly could. Then, there it was. "You're getting an admission." Joy. She was extremely nice, though, but she was a trainwreck. Presented with fever and r/o sepsis, gastroenteritis and more. At one point she had a temp of 103..that was after giving 650 tylenol. It went up from 102.6. I had to call the doctor. He ordered a cooling blanket (which took forever to arrive and then by then she really didn't need it..I kinda wanted to know how to set one up). He also actually told me "put alcohol swabs in the axilla". This doctor, yes, had an accent as many hospitalists do. But I Had to ask him to repeat this. Evidently it is an old trick that people use to get fever down so I was told. He also ordered cold "sponges". I had to clarify with the charge nurse that simply meant washcloths. Haha. Well, later, I had to call again, because her potassium dropped and I needed to order zofran because she'd already gotten phenergan and thrown up. It was already low when she came in. For those unaware, (and haven't read my previous posts), any abnormality of a potassium level has the potential to affect cardiac functions and rhythms. He said to bolus her and also continue the K in her fluids. By the time I needed to have insulin for her that he didn't order, I'd already called twice. I left a communique. It was already after 0600. I did double check that with the charge nurse before not calling him again though.
I finally get everything done, and then I hear "The nurse you're giving report to will be late." Really? Last time I was on this floor I had to wait to give report as well. And, I don't remember for sure, but almost positive it was the same person. Do they not care on that floor? Somehow I managed to get out a little after 8 but don't ask me how! Of course, I hit every red light on the way home! hahaha
Now that I'm home, I'm completely exhausted. I am simply in too much pain to sleep though. My leg feels like one big bruise. But it's not. It has one small bruise, sure, I always have bruises because I always run into everything under the sun. This is just the pain I've been dealing with, though, and today it is really really bad. It is primarily my right leg like always. It started hurting pretty badly at work, but I just tried my best to ignore it and push on, because I was busy. Now that I'm home and just laying around, it is kind of hard to ignore it. Maybe I'm crazy, but I still want to go running. If I wasn't in pain, I would have gone already. I figured it was best to let my body get some sleep first though and go later today or this evening. I have to pull another allnighter tonight, because I'm right back tomorrow. Ugh. I hate weeks like this. It's just really hard to work nights in general, then to have to work two, off one, work one..gross. Ya work days it's not so bad skipping around like that. But if ya work nights, it's not so easy to fight that natural circadian rhythm. Bleh. We will see how it goes. I made it til about 4am the other night. Too early, but I still slept all that day. I just really want to stop hurting. :( Yes, I'm still taking the "head in the sand approach", but I'm slowly working up the courage to call a doctor. I just wish I knew how to pick one. I did kinda sneak in a "so who did you say your neurologist was?" with my patient the other day. ;) I mean, I'm pulling at straws. My dad's neurologist isn't in my network.

Oooooh Goodness!!

It's officially begun. My mom has once again begun sending me emails...about jobs. I swear if I continue to get them I will not be able to stop myself from blowing up. I got them month after month after month when I couldn't find a nursing job. She obviously thinks I'm much better off than I really am considering the one she just sent me was one saying that I make $10/hr more than I actually do! No wonder she thinks I have money!! Ugh. Anyway, I am running a little late for work...but I just had to get that out. I hope this doesn't become habit again! :(

My Undefeated Gamecocks!!

I was terrified at the beginning of the game this weekend against East Carolina. We look AWFUL. Poor Conner Shaw tried so hard, but he simply wasn't making it happen. Now, trust me, I don't have every confidence in the world in Stephen Garcia. I also HATE the fact he's been in trouble so many freaking times. HOWEVER, I have to hand it to him this weekend. He was able to turn that game completely around and the Gamecocks had me jumping off the couch in excitement! We are officially 1-0 and Georgia is now 0-1. Hopefully that will work in our favor this upcoming week!! I am a HUGE Gamecock fan...who moved to Georgia last November. Granted, I live five minutes from my hometown (which is in South Carolina), but it is a huge difference in my mind, because I hate the bulldogs. I can honestly say I've never been to borderbash either for some reason. Who knows, if I'm not working, maybe I can find some Gamecock fans to go with. I definitely don't want to be surrounded by Bulldogs for that....unless of course for protection! haha
I also figured out a way to save some money but refresh my book collection since I finished Safe Haven by Nicholas Sparks the other night (INCREDIBLE book by the way!!!. I took four books up to Columbia with me and exchanged them with four my sister had! That should give me awhile before I have to buy more! Whew! I definitely didn't plan on spending as much as I did this weekend, but I figured my sis and her fiancee wouldn't have cash, so I offered to buy the pizza. Then, I knew since I was in Columbia I needed to try to find a new car flag since they were sold out everywhere after the Championship in June. While I was there, I also found USC car magnets (got 2) and USC coasters (8). I'd been trying to find coasters for some time. They aren't the best quality in the world, but they'll do.
I was also introduced to petit fours this weekend -- incredible!! They are now going to be my newest baking venture I believe. They seem kind of complicated, though, so I'm a little nervous. But I need something new since a lot of people (while they still love them) have experienced my truffles.
I know I need to start actually being productive with things in my life, because otherwise there's about to be a lot more added stress. I still have yet to find a doctor, mainly because I've just gotten freaked out. I've kinda begun taking that "head in the sand" approach and I need to talk myself out of it. I need to find a seamstress to hem the bridesmaids dress for my best friend's wedding in October. I also need to figure out if I'm staying in this apartment (if they'll give me the current price or cheaper) or if I need to find a less expensive place. I've already driven to a lot of different places and I've called a couple realtors for houses and townhomes, but I never got calls back. So, I'm going to try to set up some appointments for some apartments I've been interested in. I just hate knowing, though, that I won't find the space I have now without at least paying what I'm paying now or even more. I love the space here, but if I'm ever going to put a dent in these student loans and feel like I can start having a life, something's gotta change. I've been putting this stuff off, and it's getting to be last minute now. I know I'm dealing with enough already without adding all of that to it. That would be my own stupid fault.
I've also learned that I don't pick up on people hitting on me sometimes. A friend admitted to me he used to like me and I had no idea. I felt like an idiot in fact. I know I was very depressed at the time and thought about my ex constantly and how he hurt me, but to know I was that blind, that's pretty ridiculous. I also learned that I can hang out with my ex and have a good time just sitting and talking. The problem is when the topic of us comes up. Whether or not to try again. Neither of us needs to be in a relationship right now. As far as a future, I don't know. There's obviously something still there. The problem is I'm not sure if I can ever truly trust him again or not. Not sure if he can truly let go of his temper and just show his soft side toward me - the side that would do anything to see me happy. I don't want to constantly feel like I have to defend everything I say or do because of him getting upset for the rest of my life. What a miserable way to live. A part of me says let go and move the heck on. A part of me says look what you had with him and it can happen again. A part of me says there's that and better out there. I'm so confused. So afraid. What I won't do is wait for him. I made that very clear to him a long time ago. If someone comes along that I care about and can learn to get close to and trust, I'm going for it. I proved that to him back in May. It turned out just to be another jerk who actually works for a church, so I thought he was a great, Godly man. I was wrong. He was nothing but a gigantic hypocrite...with...what else..a temper. UGH. I told him he needed to lose my number. Never, ever have I told anyone that before. I have told people not to call but never to actually delete my number. The thing is, though, I knew from the beginning I wasn't too terribly interested because after about a week, I was already texting my ex again. No, it wasn't anything about getting together or anything like that. I do not, have not, nor will I ever cheat. I simply asked how he was. That's when I figured out I missed him. I only saw the guy a couple more weeks if that. I know that somebody is going to do something one day to prove to me I should be with him. Who it will be only God knows right now. I am simply going to live my life and let it happen.
I kind of just wish I could move away and start a new life. I want a fresh group of people. People who actually want to hang out with me, not just when it is convenient for them because they have nothing better to do. I want to be around people who don't know my past, because then they won't judge me. No, not everyone I hang out with currently judges me for things I've shared with them, but some do. I definitely need to get a new job but I need to wait a little longer for resume purposes. I just need a huge change. I want to find happiness. I know it's right around the corner waiting for me to find it. I just keep reading the map wrong and losing my way. I won't give up, though. I'll get right back on the path and trying different routes until finally I find the right one. With God by my side, I know it's more than possible. No, I'm not perfect, and He knows that very well. He's more than willing to help me, though, and I continue to pursue him. I want Him as my priority and nothing else. It's hard, but I know it's the right road in the end.

Orientee

It took me until almost 1am to realize there was a girl on orientation working with the nurse whose patient died this morning. That only makes me feel more sick to my stomach. I can't imagine having to come in as a brand new nurse, only on a certain floor because they wanted you to experience med-surg before being on your floor, and having to deal with a patient death. I don't even know how I'll handle my first patient death...but to be a BRAND NEW NURSE ON ORIENTATION???? I hope she's ok. Unfortunately, I will probably never see her again.

Unexpected Death

0630 and I'm in my patient's room giving pain meds. All of a sudden I hear a ton of commotion. I look out the door the realize it is next door. They called a code on the woman right next door!! They called two codes on her. Then, sadly, she didn't come out of it. I never saw this patient; however, my charge nurse was in her room and calling for the nurse. I happened to be walking by, and stopped by the door to see if he needed help. He asked if it was my patient, but when I said no he said not to worry about it. Because I was SWAMPED, I said ok. I look back now and wish I had at least asked if he was sure like I do with most things. It ended up that she needed to be suctioned but that she was stable. This was maybe 2300ish? Maybe around the time I happened to make the comment "I'm kind of in survival mode right now and will be happy at this point if I can just keep my patients alive!" Really? Ugh. Maybe it's wrong, but I'm actually happy to say the patient we lost this morning was not mine. I am completely distraught and I never even saw the patient. It definitely put a damper on the moods of the entire staff.
To make matters worse, we had to witness the family's reaction. All out loud sobs to the point other patients' family members were peering out of their doors (and one doctor) to see what was going on. Then, the patient's granddaughter started going up and down the hallways screaming. We had to call security. This was all in the middle of us trying to give report. Nobody could function. The patient was only 52. She was a postop patient that had been sent to ICU but then became stable enough to be moved to us. The lab is going to get KILLED when everything is reviewed, because they did not report a blood sugar of freakin 44!!!!!! How in Heaven's name do you allow your little fingers to type that into the computer and not pick up the phone?!?!? The cutoff point before it is ABSOLUTELY critical is 60!!! Come on now! Wake up! Her BP was a normal BP this morning at 0600, but it was low for her. All of these were signs that things were going on. The nurse may possibly have been able to pick up on the BP; my charge nurse made the point, though, that MAYBE this will make people realize our workload is simply too much. There is no way that nurse had time to even be told what the patient's vitals were. I don't know what most of mine were. We don't just complain because we don't want to work. We are trying to watch out for our patients' best interests!
Not only the safety aspect, but we also have the satisfaction to worry about as well. I got a patient up from ER at 1915 which is absolutely ridiculous and they are NOT supposed to be doing that in the first place. Along with that, ER did not bother to put in an IV that was ORDERED. So, that will be an issue that will be dealt with today. Not to mention the fact they did not bother to draw the labs that were ordered either. And what was their reason? They were too busy. Really?? Um. ER has the opportunity to make people wait. We do NOT. ER is going to be gettin freakin chewed out. Not only with my patient, but another patient was sent up yesterday without an ordered IV and another without an ordered foley. Yes, our hospital is 90 somethin % full right now, but that is flat out ridiculous. There's triage for a reason. Get your crap done.
I had three patients calling for either pain or nausea meds before I could simply get my patients assigned in the computer. Not copying the assessment or writing down my meds. Simply assigning them as my patients. Now, please tell me how I am supposed to get to every single one of them PLUS my NEW patient all at once?? Not to mention that still excludes two more patients!!! And they wonder why our patient satisfaction scores have dropped???? Maybe if they would fully STAFF us instead of freakin giving us six patients you'd see higher scores!!!!!! But NO! Instead you want to continue to make cuts, continue to make changes to decrease instead of increase patient satisfaction and make our jobs that much busier and more challenging.
At this point, It's really hard to tell if I hate my floor or I hate my hospital. Until recently, I would have said my floor. I'm truly debating right now. Whew. Now that I got all that off of me, I'm off to enjoy some breakfast and try to sleep. Kinda not feelin well after all that.

Damaged Goods

I was told today that it hurts one of my guy friends that I think of myself as damaged goods. It was a comment I made to him a couple months ago, and I never dreamed he would actually think much about it - much less remember it. He hates that I don't trust anybody, but he also doesn't know even a third of my life story. Why do I see myself as damaged? It's not easy to look back on my life and recall very few happy experiences. I have been hurt badly both physically and emotionally. My very first sexual experience was unwanted, and the guy went around school telling people that, even though I said no, I really did want it. That was when I was a mere 13 or 14 years old. When I went to my mom to actually tell her about it, I left her a note and ran down the street to my elderly neighbor's house so she could have time to read it. When I went home, her response was that I shouldn't have been at his house. Really? Thanks so much for the support. I was someone who felt so strongly about waiting until I was married to have sex. Everyone who knew me knew how I felt, because I had no problem sharing it. I wanted my husband to experience that first with me. Well, I lost my virginity at 22 to someone I truly felt I would spend the rest of my life with. What I experienced with him, I'd never experienced with anyone else nor have I since. We were together for over a year and a half. Times were not always good, but when they were, I was on cloud nine and nothing could bring me down. When we broke up, I was more than depressed. I started thinking that he manipulated me in order to have sex - that all we did and went through together was for sex. So, when we broke up, I was left thinking that is all guys wanted. I have always had more guy friends than girlfriends and I started clinging to my guy friends more than ever, because they wouldn't try anything with me and I could cuddle with them for protection. Then things changed. I started having sex with anyone who wanted to, because it simply didn't matter anymore. Even though I would say no, I still let things continue, because I had already been taught no didn't mean anything. Since I'd already broken the "no sex before marriage" rule that I'd made to myself, why would it matter who else I slept with? So yes, I've slept with several guys now, and I'm totally ashamed of that. That's not who I am. Yes, I do see myself as damaged, because who is going to be ok with what I've done? Who is going to be patient enough to deal with all of the hurt that I've experienced? Nobody. So, I don't bother. People keep pressuring me about dating. Well, I've kind of lost hope in all of that. I look at couples and just wonder how long they will last. People get married all the time and then just divorce a short time later. What's the point? If you'd put the premarital work in beforehand, there would have been a lot of heartache prevented. People don't want to try to work things out and compromise anymore. It's all about what the individual wants. The funny thing is, in the beginning of my relationship, I tried to break it off a couple times, because I was always trained to flee at any sign of an argument. He was the one who taught me that in any relationship there were arguments. Never did I think at the time, that would give us free reign to fight 24/7 about any stupid thing like it became after a point. Do I believe in love? Well, I know what I experienced was love. The question is do I believe in everlasting love? Honestly, I don't know the answer to that anymore. I have been told I am loved but not enough to be in a relationship with. Wow. Probably one of the most harsh comments ever said to me. Funny thing is, I don't think this person said it out of anger, but that doesn't make it any less hurtful. I have to relearn what love is, but for now my walls are up high and are staying there for a long while until a man is willing to put in the work it will take to prove his worth to me. I will one day be treated the way I deserve, but until then I'm not willing to throw myself out to the wolves only to be bitten again and left in the dirt. It has happened way too many times by way too many people in way too many situations, sexual or not. I just simply don't trust people anymore. All I can do is prove to people that I, for one, am trustworthy and people can take it or leave it.

Defeat

That's the only way to describe work last night. I got pulled for the third freakin time in less than a month. Ok, yes, that's annoying, but the fact that this is twice that it has happened when I'm working three in a row really upsets me. Why can't I freakin keep my same patients instead of having to get used to all new patients, know their history, how to handle them, etc???? Not to mention it makes report and charting a whole heck of a lot easier!!! Here was my night:
Patient 1: cussed at me because we don't serve breakfast at 0330. In soft waist restraint, because she was walking the halls yesterday. She kept telling me she had to get home. I offered her orange juice and graham crackers when she freakin cussed at me. She STILL wanted to cuss at me. I told her I did not appreciate that, I was trying to help her, and I wasn't cussing at her. I was glad she was asleep again for my final round. I was done with her.
Patient 2: actually a pretty decent patient.
Patient 3: had one soft mitten restraint and one soft wrist restraint. The mitten saved me from getting a black eye...literally...because the patient freakin tried to swing at me!! and when i told the day shift nurse that I gave him ativan for that, she said, "Oh, yeah, he does that." Um. Really??? I am supposed to be ok with seriously nearly getting a black eye?? I DON'T THINK SO!! She seriously questioned me giving him ativan and I was left to defend myself. Omg. He also had a PEG tube and was getting feeds every 4 hours.
Patient 4: Very sweet man. I actually made a little extra time for him (where I found the time, Lord ONLY knows!), because he was so sweet and seemed lonely. He was having me draw pictures and he was doing little brain teasers with them and stuff. Well, I do my final rounds on my patients...what a huuuuuuuuge mistake. He freakin wanted to leave AMA at daggum 0653!!! Really?! He threatened to pull out his foley if I didn't do it for him. I had to get the charge nurse and everything at freakin shift change. So, HE was cussing at me as well...while at the same time tellin me how sweet I was. Um.
Patient 5: Sweet little lady. Just had abx GALORE and I was left to get her a new IV that was a week old! Ok, so she's a hard stick...but a woman with freakin cancer..hello...immunosuppressed you idiots! How could they leave that IV in her like that?! Not to mention her hand was starting to swell!!
Patient 6: Another sweet lady..but the family refused to let us put her in restraints. We told them the only way we would not is if the family was in there at all times. Evidently, you have to stress the fact you have to WATCH her while you're in there. She was pulling at her IV. She pulled off her telemetry leads. She also hated drinking much, but her meds had to be crushed and put in nectar. It was crazy difficult to get her to finish. I finally just acted like she was a two year old and said that she only needed to drink a few more sips. Even that was a chore.
It did me no good to SOMEHOW get everything done with 20 minutes to spare. I still left at 0830. It was one of those nights, though, that I have to stop BOILING before I can sleep. I am working on it. I am back again for my third night in a row. I really wish I could just win the lottery and quit work. It is truly miserable. I get told what a great nurse I am and I'm so sweet and yada yada, but the junk I have to put up with is not freakin worth it...especially for the money. I mean gettin cussed at and a near black eye in one night?? Eh, no thanks.

Can't Even Manage A Getaway

I left town last night, because I was so fed up. Stayed with a friend. We got a pizza and watched the Braves game (they lost ugh). Well, for probably a half hour or so, I was texting on my phone and I was getting more aggravated by the minute. I had finally decided to stop being hardheaded and try to work things out with my mom and older sister yesterday. I texted them yesterday afternoon and told them that considering we are going wedding dress shopping for my little sister in a week or two, I wanted to try to get on better terms.
     I told my mom that I really had no idea why she was upset with me over not calling her at 7am. I told her I was so hurt that I found her car in the driveway and she didn't bother to tell me she was in town. I explained that I've needed her support lately more than ever and have not been able to turn to her. She responded with all this crap about why would she let me know she was in town when all I ever do is get angry with her. I treat my friends better than I do my family. That she didn't think it was right that I told everybody in a facebook message what was going on, because my family should be more important (to which I responded that I only wanted to tell everyone one time and that shouldn't offend her). I explained that I don't see why she gets mad at me just because I don't react to things the way she would or thinks I should. For example, she hated the fact I haven't wanted to talk to anyone -- including her -- on the phone for awhile now. That bothers her, but I did it for my own sanity. I am so sick of always trying to make everybody else happy and am finally trying to live for myself and God only. I left that last part out when talking to her though.
     Anyway, as far as my sister goes, she talked about how I was depressed (which besides this medical stuff, no I've not been depressed) and whatever for awhile now and I needed help. Said that I'm always angry. Um, no. I am usually angry with HER. I told her it was the pot calling the kettle black. She has become the most negative, angry, demanding, controlling, and judgemental person that I know and I told her that flat out. I've had it with her. She talked about how she wanted her sister back, well, guess what. When she wants to go back to being the person I used to love hanging out with, well, she might just get the response from me that she wants. Until then, I really want little to do with her. I already only handle her in small doses. She said she loved me and that when I was ready to be a friend and good sister again, she'd be there. My response was simply that love was respect and that she totally disrespected me when she went and told my business that she had no business telling. She claims that family doesn't keep secrets - especially about health. Well, guess what. It was MY secret to decide when I wanted dad to know -- not her!!! So, I simply will know next time not to go to her for anything. And, when I do find out what is going on, she will likely be the last to know.
     I am so tired of all of this. So freakin tired. I get made to feel like this horrible person because I don't go out of my way to live my life for other people. Sorry, but I spent way too much of my life trying to do that and all it ever did was make me feel badly when I decided to do something I wanted to do and NOT someone else. To this day, I still wonder what other people will think if I make a certain decision, and I freaking hate that!! I am a single woman who shouldn't have a care in the world what anybody else thinks, but that's my problem: I care waaaaaaaaay too much what other people think and I have no idea how to change that. I guess maybe that's why I come off as mean most of the time to my family, because I get sick to death of hearing what they think I should do. If I want their freakin opinions, I'll ask for em!!!!

The Call...and Unexpected Outcome

Well, I was just thrown for a loop. I finally spoke with my doctor's office. Completely didn't see this scenario happening. Instead of being told they were working on the appt with the neurologist, I was told they could not refer me because my insuranance is a PPO (yes I'm in the medical field but still have no idea what that means) and they aren't a primary physician and I'm not pregnant. So, she recommended I call one of the neurologists to see if they required a referral to see if I would need to find a primary doctor. So, I texted my dad to see what the heck I do. How do you look at a list of neurologists who are in your network and decide, "Oh, hey, I think this one has a cool name". I mean, really. My dad's neurologist is not in my network, otherwise I'd ask my dad if he would mind me seeing him as well. I totally did not see this bombshell coming. And, it only means it will be that much more of a waiting game until all this is figured out. That's what I truly hate more than anything right now!!!

Ouch!

So I went for a run this evening, and I decided I would be smart and take a Gatorade with me since it was in the mid 90's or so. Well, it did little to help me get my mind off of everything, because carrying the Gatorade was making my tingling hurt so badly. I was constantly readjusting. Currently my hands feel very tight. That's not something I have been experiencing much; however, tingling and tightness does not make for a great combo.
I just finished watching the Braves game (they beat the Cubs 5-4!!). I was really enjoying the fact Heyward hit his first career grandslam. Then a thought hit me and I realized how depressed I am becoming while having to wait on all of this: the thought came to me that if whatever tests they run come back that I have MS, it is very likely I will never get married. I have seen what my dad has dealt with, and I simply don't see how that would be fair to do that to someone. And, as much as I want a large family, I already have PCOS which scares me to pass along to my daughters -- I definitely don't want to risk passing along something even worse. I am "only" 25, but at the same time, I am beginning to hear that clock. I don't want to be that way. I have seen too many people marry people that are so wrong for them simply because they feel it is time. I absolutely refuse to be a part of that statistic, but that doesn't mean the thoughts aren't there. I just have so much weighing on me right now and day in and day out things are getting harder. The waiting is literally making me depressed. I am crying all the time not knowing what is going on and why all of this is happening. I am truly scared and instead of turning to God and others for help, I am turning away from Him and, in front of most people, am acting like everything is just fine.
I hesitate telling more people than already know, because I don't want to first of all worry them. Secondly, I don't want people contacting me because they feel obligated to check on me. Thirdly, I know that once I say the words "I'm being tested for MS", that person - no matter what the test results - will never look at me the same and will always wonder what may happen in the future. There are actually 5 people off the top of my head that I have considered telling, but I simply can't bring myself to do it. I just want to stick to those who know already. I just wish I had some outlet that would let me get this weight off my chest, because I'm suffocating..fast.

Still No Word

I tried calling my doctor today to simply make sure they received the fax I sent them. It was a list of neurologists covered under my insurance. She called me back, but I was sleeping (I worked last night). So, I called her back aaaaand never heard back. This would be the perfect week to be able to get something scheduled, because I don't work again til Friday, but it's looking less and less hopeful. Sucks. Not to mention everyday that goes by is one more day of me being stressed, because I am so worried about what all of this could be! I'm scared out of my mind, and I can't even manage to get a referral yet!! UGH. They said they'd try to get me in this week, so let's get the ball rollin!!

Dang...That's Unfortunate

I got a voicemail while getting ready for work. The lady I was goin to help tomorrow is no longer in need of my help. I'm actually pretty disappointed. Something I was really looking forward to - even if it did mean I'd have to wake up early from workin all night tonight. Oh well. What are ya going to do? Off to work I go! PRAYING for a good night!!

How Can I Count On Others....

When my family isn't even there for me. I went to go for a run, and I wanted a change of scenery. I drove the few extra minutes to my hometown. Was going to park in my mom's driveway and just leave from there. Low and behold, her car is in the driveway. So, not only has she not talked to me since Tuesday, she also didn't bother to tell me she is in town. How am I EVER going to learn to trust again, when I can't even trust my own family to either keep my secrets or at the very least tell me when they are coming in town?! So, needless to say, I found somewhere else to park.

Answered Prayer?

It is like God knew I needed something to help get me out of this horrible slump I am in, and He did something about it. Even though I have wanted little to do with people lately, I was sent an email. It was sent out to many people, but it struck me particularly hard. It was from my old youth pastor saying that a member of his church (he now has his own church) was in need of a caregiver and has no family in the area. I don't know that I've ever jumped at anything so quickly. I don't even know why honestly. It just seemed like it would be perfect. Yes, I hate my current job. I LOVE being a nurse. The problem comes when I feel guilty for not being able to spend the time I want to with my patients. I keep thinking of all the things I need to be doing while they are telling me their life stories. But this will be one on one care for someone who...HELLO...just had surgery. In my previous post, I explained I am an ortho/neuro nurse. I have yet to find out what kind of surgery this patient had, but I work with surgical patients constantly. I actually prefer them to my confused patients. I do love the confused ones sometimes, but they make for a difficult night at work, because they want to cuss at you, kick/hit/bite you, climb out of bed and fall, threaten you, tell you what a horrible person you are...oh and the one that gets to me the most...tells me one day I'll get what I deserve! I had a patient tell me that once, because I wouldn't give her more pain meds. Sorry, but when you go loopy enough to pull off your gown, throw it on the floor, rip out your IV, get yourself in a bloody mess, and get all sorts of confused...sorry, but ya need to get it out of your system. This one on one care may be just what I need this week. It is tentative right now, as I explained to the gentleman I talked to that I may possibly have an appt this week and don't know when. It will only be for two hours if I can manage to go, but a part of me wants to volunteer for an overnight shift or something. I don't know why I am feeling so moved about this patient, but I really am. I don't even know anything about her. I just want to help.

The Last Couple of Weeks

     I have truly pulled away from people the last couple of weeks. I have been through a lot and did not find the support I needed where I expected to find it by any means. Let me go back a few years to explain my story. I was in college and started feeling differently. I was starting to have a lot of pain and heaviness in my legs. I remember tryin to cuddle with the guy I was seeing and feeling guilty, because I simply couldn't handle the weight of his legs on mine. He is by no means a large guy, so it was not the weight factor itself. I never did anything about it, because, frankly, I did not have insurance and I definitely did not have money. Well, I am now working and I am required to have yearly workups at work for insurance purposes. This includes things like weight, vitals, and a CMP (complete metabolic panel..a blood test). I expected nothing out of the ordinary, because I go running pretty often and, while my diet is not necessarily the best, it is by far not the worst. My weight was good and so was my blood pressure (119/66 which is actually kind of high for me, so that bothered me...but it is still good). Well, the nurse had trouble taking my blood at first even with the baby needle that I use on my little old ladies with no veins. That happens occasionally with me, so I just dealt with it, and she managed to have success in the other arm. We got that handled, and then she did my PPD. I then got fitted for my respirator mask and that was that. I was starving, because I had to fast for 12 hours before the bloodwork. My stepdad was in town getting his house together to put on the market, so I went and picked us up some brunch.
     The following day, I get a phonecall. I actually missed the call, because I was driving home. I started listening to the voicemail while I was driving. Huge mistake. My eyes immediately started getting misty, so I found a parking lot to pull into. It was the nurse who had checked out my bloodwork results. She said everything looked good...except...and she HESITATED!! She said my potassium was high and that the sample did not appear hemolyzed. For those who do not know, a hemolyzed sample often affects the potassium level and can cause it to appear high. I immediately freaked. I am well aware that when one of my patients has a high potassium level, it is important to notify the MD, because potassium can affect cardiac arrythmias. We do not worry as much in hemodialysis patients who will go for dialysis that day, because high potassium can also be a symptom of poor renal function..ie. a dialysis patient. I called..who else...MOM. She didn't answer!! I did not want to talk to anyone else but her. She and I do butt heads a lot, because we have very similar personalities, but whenever something big like that happens, she is most often who I want to run to. So, I tried to pull myself together, finish driving home, and called her again. I still got no answer, so I called the house. Nothing. I texted her. I said, I got the test results...please call me. I definitely did not want to leave in the text the results, because I knew she wouldn't understand the implications. I finally called my stepdad hoping that he would know her whereabouts (yes, even though they were nearly four hours apart, he still has a pretty good inclination). He was on the phone with her! So, she called me back a couple minutes later and stated, "You don't sound good!" I immediately broke down. She just kept telling me not to worry and that everything would be ok and to just pray about it. I started researching my nursing books and the internet..Bingo! I started singing a bit of a different tune.
     It turns out that potassium can cause numbness and tingling (also what I started feeling 2-3 years ago) and fatigue. Well, I'm not really sure what true restfulness feels like, because I've felt "fatigued" all my life. It has never matter if I've gotten 2 hours or 14 hours of sleep, I still feel exhausted. Because of this finding, I was feeling a bit of hope. The nurse had asked if I wanted to be retested, and my response was, "Definitely!" Once I had done my research, I was actually kind of hoping it would come back with the same result, because then I could actually find a reason for what I'd been feeling for so long. I was still afraid to eat much the next few days (I had to wait all weekend to get it redrawn), but I tried so hard to ignore it. Well, when you work Friday, Saturday, and Sunday and have patients who are being given meds for high potassium hoping it goes down, it is not very easy to forget about your own problems, but goodness if I did not try!! My appointment was for whenever I could manage to get off work Monday morning (I work nights).
     The next morning at 0730, I got my call. She said it was still slightly high but that it was slightly hemolyzed so it was probably fine. I was actually kind of distraught. So, I sent out a facebook message to the few people I had informed of what had been going on. I really did not want people knowing, but one of my friends pointed out that that was why we have friends and family and that they can be a prayer support group. So, I gave in and told a few people. The response I got only made me feel worse. My mom texted me and told me she was upset, because I did not call her when I woke up. Um. I woke up at 7. Figured she would be asleep. When she texted me, I was about to go running. Never heard from my sisters. HOWEVER, I found out from my stepmom that my older sister had told my dad everything. I specifically told her I did not want him knowing anything! He was the one person more than anyone I did not want to know.
     Here's the thing about my dad. He has Multiple Sclerosis and his dad had it as well. Here's where it freaks me out. The symptoms I'm having can easily be translated into MS. That is why I'm just about to lose it right now. The thing that really angered me (besides the fact my sister completely betrayed my trust) is that she told him "she has high potassium and they think it is MS". Way to twist a freaking story!! My stepmom has known for a couple years I have been having trouble, but was fortunately nice enough not to mention it to my dad, because she knew I did not want to worry him when I did not know what was going on. So, once my sister told him, I felt I had hurt his feelings. He called me and left me a voicemail pretending he did not know anything and just wanted to see how I was doing. I texted him and said that I was sorry but I was not in the mood to talk on the phone to anyone...which was the truth. For about a week and a half I have been either texting people or not talking to anyone at all.
     I have not talked to my mom since she flipped out on me that morning. I layed into my older sister that day and her response was to put some stupid comment on FB about the fact she hates drama and theatrics. I wanted so badly to tell her then she shouldn't start it! But, I kept my composure and have just decided not to have anything to do with her right now instead until some of my anger dissipates. I did not hear from my little sister until that night, and I kind of wish now I just had not heard from her at all.
     She called and left me a voicemail explaining she had a question for me. To this, I responded again that I was sorry but I did not feel like talking on the phone but I would help her any way I could. She said she was not asking over text and this went back and forth several minutes. She called again, and through my tears I answered gruffly, "What do you want?!" She was obviously flustered, and said she just wanted to ask me to be her maid of honor...and then hung up on me. I felt lower than dirt. I just didn't understand why she did not wait to ask me, because she knew I was upset. I felt, and still feel, like the worst person on the face of the earth for ruining that life experience for her that she can never get back. It makes me cry now just reliving it. I am a very sentimental person, and I would hate for someone to ruin that for me. I texted her and said I was truly sorry for ruining something for her again. She texted back asking, "Again?". I never responded. I did send a note with the check I sent her a couple days ago, though, telling her how sorry I was and that again I would be truly honored to be her maid of honor. I do not feel like I am maid of honor material for anyone, because I am not all into the details of things and...I don't know, it's hard to explain. I am also still recovering from the bridezilla that was my other sister...over two years ago. So, I am not really excited to possibly go through it again, although, I feel that with this sister's personality things will be different. It also sucks, because at this point I would have been married myself. I had the love of my life and lost it. That's a story for another time though. So, while I'm not jealous of my sister and her happiness, I am kind of sad for what I would have had, but I've learned it was probably for the best.
     So where do I go from here? Why am I still pulling away from people (besides the fact that I attempted to keep people involved and got CRAP for responses)? Well, I put in a call to my doctor last week. She is going to try to refer me to a neurologist. Yup, I am getting tested...for MS. It is the diagnosis my sisters and I have feared for years. My grandfather died 18 days after I was born, so I never met him. I do know that he became wheelchair bound from his MS and died at 55 years old. My dad has beat him as far as age goes, but he uses a cane, sometimes a walker, and now has a chairlift on his stairs at home. He was laid off from work this year, and so he spends most of his time simply sitting at home watching tv or reading. I wish he would take a more active role in exercising on his ample selection or equipment upstairs that my stepmom got in an attempt for him to take care of himself. He just won't. it would be so beneficial for him. It has been really hard to watch him slowly decline over the years, but I do know that for as long as he has had it he is doing relatively well. I am so deathly afraid of being given this diagnosis that has plagued my family. All I can do is sit and wait on a phonecall to tell me when my appointment is. They said they were going to try to get me in this week.
     My job makes all of this harder on me. I work as and ortho/NEURO nurse. I see people having surgeries on a daily basis to resolve numbness and tingling. Hey, if surgery would heal all of this for me, I say let's do it and somehow I'll find the money. To be able to get rid of the constant pain I'm in...the heaviness in my legs, the tingling in my fingers and feet...the numbness in my legs and feet...the aching in my arms...yes please!!! I just know with my family history, I am high risk for MS and it is hard to forget that fact as much as I try. This week could literally change the rest of my life. And, wouldn't ya know, when I need my family the most, with the exception of my dad, I am not on speaking terms with any of them. Wow. Getting through these last couple weeks has by no means been an easy feat. I have cried on and off everyday. My nerves have been completely shot.
      I am actually thankful that scheduling for my vacation got messed up and that I have been off work for the last week. I needed it so badly. Unfortunately, I have to go back tomorrow night. On the upside of that, I will then be off until Friday and will work all weekend. Hopefully, in the time in between I will have gone through my tests and will maybe even have an answer. A part of me still wants to retreat to what I've always done, though, and hide my head in the sand. I don't want to know for fear of what may be. I have never been so scared in my life. I know what a diagnosis of MS means. I've grown up with it. I used to have my friends ask if my dad was drunk, because he would stumble so much, especially getting out of the car. I live in constant fear of him falling (which he does constantly) and truly hurting himself. How can I watch out for him like I've always done if I myself get in the same position??
     My heart is heavy with worry. There's nothing I can do. It is completely out of my hands, including my appointment time. There's nothing I can do except pray and pretend that all of this is not on my mind constantly when I talk to or am around other people. I mean it was hard enough to pretend I was not in constant pain...but now to keep all of this a secret? The thing is, if the tests do come back that I have MS, I'm not sure that I would actually tell anyone. I really just don't know right now. Well, here's to praying for the best.