Well today was the day. I was supposed to get bloodwork done as well, but I think I may have to fast for those and I realized that it is probably a separate appointment as well. I will take care of that before I head back to the neuro. So, my dad had me thinking an MRI was relaxing and I would just kind of nap through it, etc. NO. The way I described it was that I told these people I had a headache so they got the idea that they would try to make it worse. They succeeded! BOOM BOOM BOOM over and over and over. Lots of different tempos, volumes, and patterns. It was awful. I was tearing up I was in so much pain, but they tell you not to move. I just hope for the love of everything good today found the problem. Unfortunately, I won't know for a couple weeks. I will definitely be telling my neurologist the new meds aren't working either. I hurt so badly.
I did go back to work reluctantly this weekend. I worked Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. Friday made me really mad cuz I got pulled to another floor AGAIN. I wasn't even supposed to, but the nurse that was supposed to say she was tired of getting pulled every Friday. Um, look at my record page. Before I was out for three weeks, I was getting pulled every week. So, on my first night back in three weeks, I get to suffer even more?? Whatever. Fortunately, I had a pretty decent group for the most part. Then Saturday, I had to transfer a patient, because she either had a heart attack or was going to have one. Her bloodwork was crazy. Sunday, I fought all night to keep a patient alive. She had a foley catheter in but was still not making urine. She was really not responsive except to pain. I tried giving her a bite of applesauce to test if I'd be able to give her meds. It sat in her mouth for a second, then fell right out. It was bad. Then her blood pressure kept dropping. I ended up giving her a small (250cc) bolus. Just from that, she started wheezing and using accessory muscles to breathe. She was going to go into congestive heart failure soon. Her right pupil was sluggish. Doctors ordered a renal ultrasound for the next morning. They did not want to put her on tele or do a CT. Why? Who knows. They did d/c bp meds(whoever gave her afternoon meds was an idiot for giving it when her bp was already low), IVF, and hmmm something else. Anyway, I was just really sad. I fought hard for her. Then at shift change that morning, orders were put in to be transferred to palliative care. Pure defeat from my end. I hate feeling helpless. There was really nothing else I could have done unfortunately.
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
Thursday, September 29, 2011
Sister's Response
I heard back from my sister tonight. She completely ignored every daggum thing I said in my email except for one. The part she replied to was that she was sorry I'm upset with her but she didn't know she was not supposed to tell my dad. Hmm. REALLY?! Cuz I freakin told you I didn't want him to know! Please tell me how much more clearly I can put that next time so that you understand not to open your mouth!! Ugh. Still not feeling great. New meds aren't helpin and there must be somethin in the air right now, cuz I've felt a little congestion again today as well. MRI and bloodwork is scheduled for Tuesday. I may not know the results until I go back for my followup with the neurologist which I think is the 17th maybe. I just want them to figure it out. I'm so tired of bein sick and tired! One of my coworkers may come hang out tonight, but he's pretty slack so I'm not countin on it. We shall see. I'm supposed to pull an allnighter tonight for work tomorrow. Worst thing I could do when I'm trying to prevent myself from feeling congested again. Ugh. I did take some dayquil though. We shall see.
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
Neuro Appt
My dad went with me this morning to my neurologist appt. I was definitely nervous, but she was very nice. She doesn't know what is going on. She did give me a new med that I've never been on but I have given to patients who don't have relief from other pain meds. She wants to do some bloodwork and we are also scheduling an MRI to do in 3-4 weeks. I hate that I have to wait that long, but she did say she doesn't think at this point that it is MS. She also doesn't know what is causing this. But ya know, I'll take the waiting if this new med will just knock the pain out without knocking me out so I can go back to work!! I can't afford not to be working!!
Monday, September 26, 2011
Relationship Service
Tonight I watched an online service from my old youth pastor that he gave either yesterday or last week. It was all about reimagining relationships. He said that too often we don't want to be disturbed and brought out of our status quo when it comes to fixing relationships. He pointed out that we today are more connected technilogically than ever before but less connected relationally than ever before and Facebook was the perfect example. He stated that he was a member of it as well, and thinks Facebook can be a great thing and used to help people in many ways. It does have it's downsides too as we all know. The point is that Facebook knew people long to connect with other people. I personally am a perfect example. It's not easy with the hours that I work to simply go out and meet knew people. I have very few friends because I've lost many over the years. I somewhat did this to myself unintentionally. In high school, I usually hung out with the people a year or two older than I was. When they graduated, I was stuck looking for a new group. By senior year, people kind of had their group and so I was kind of an outsider of my own group if that even makes sense. Then in college, I was super busy. I definitely had my share of fun, just maybe not as much as most. I also did not stand up to one of my roommates enough about doing stuff with people I wanted to instead of who she wanted to hang out with. Then I started my relationship with my ex, and I never felt included in their group. Yes, they were nice. But I never felt a part of them. I wasn't like them. I don't think it was the fault of anyone. I think it was simply different personalities. Well, I think this was just one more thing that contributed to my ex and I ending things. Who knows.
So, yes, there are definitely reasons I feel the need to connect. He said that we too often, though, let pride get in the way of fixing our relationships. We want God to forgive us every time we ask and we want to ask an infinite number of times. On the other hand, we want to count the number of times people hurt us and we don't want to forgive them.
This really hit home with me, because of the situation with my sister. Sunday was the first time I've so much as spoken with her in a month. I kept waiting for that apology and for her to realize what she had done. Every time I've prayed I was letting my pride get to me. My prayer would always be along the lines of "Lord, please help my relationship with my sister to get better. I know I need to take steps to fix it, but I told her I didn't want to talk to her until she apologized. If I give in, she won't get it." Something like that. Anyway, it is something I've obviously been struggling with. And I've never really considered myself overly prideful, but I guess sometimes I really am. It took that service tonight to make me realize it.
So, I sat down and emailed my sister. I told her from the very beginning my intention was reconciliation. I told her things that I was upset about that she thought of me. I explained I have learned I will probably never get an apology from her but that God has made me realize it's not my job to make sure she gets it basically. I also explained the things that have bothered me about how she treats people. Throughout the entire email I reassured her that my intentions were pure and I was hoping she would see it as me trying to reconcile rather than her wanting to start a fight over it.
I really don't know what kind of response I will get or when I will get one. I am nervous, but I also feel good. I can finally say my prayers tonight (or whenever the heck I finally fall asleep) and not make up an excuse over why I haven't attempted to reconcile with my sister. I also sent an email to my youth pastor thanking him for the impact he has on people and that I wanted him to realize he really does make a difference. In general terms, I explained to him I'd had a relationship that needed to be fixed but I was letting my pride get in the way, but that he helped push me to fix it.
My appointment is tomorrow. I called into work again tonight. I tried so hard not to. I just couldn't get my head to stop. I am really nervous about tomorrow, but my dad is going with me, so maybe he will help to kind of calm me down. I mean, it's worth a shot right? I was going to go by myself originally. Work could have made my nerves a little better tonight, because I'd be stressed over work instead of the appointment. But I was so afraid of all the noises hurting my head so badly. And after nearly fainting yesterday, I felt it may be important as well to try to keep myself pretty busy today with things I had to do to try to get myself back in the swing but not over do it. I just pray that they can find an answer tomorrow and it is easily treatable. I am really scared, but if tomorrow puts an end to this and I can move on, I'll be so grateful. My stepmom did say, however, not to expect the MRI tomorrow the MS. She said that in her experience that would be in another appointment. So, I'll most likely do a CT tomorrow and I don't know what else. I've had a CT before. It only bothered me, because, hello, who wants a big bright light shining in your eyes when your head hurts? Not exactly what I call helpful. So, I'll just try my best to remember to close my eyes! :)
If you're interested in listening to the sermon I discussed, here's the link: http://www.thequestonline.com/messages/re-imagine-relationships/ Happy reconciling!
So, yes, there are definitely reasons I feel the need to connect. He said that we too often, though, let pride get in the way of fixing our relationships. We want God to forgive us every time we ask and we want to ask an infinite number of times. On the other hand, we want to count the number of times people hurt us and we don't want to forgive them.
This really hit home with me, because of the situation with my sister. Sunday was the first time I've so much as spoken with her in a month. I kept waiting for that apology and for her to realize what she had done. Every time I've prayed I was letting my pride get to me. My prayer would always be along the lines of "Lord, please help my relationship with my sister to get better. I know I need to take steps to fix it, but I told her I didn't want to talk to her until she apologized. If I give in, she won't get it." Something like that. Anyway, it is something I've obviously been struggling with. And I've never really considered myself overly prideful, but I guess sometimes I really am. It took that service tonight to make me realize it.
So, I sat down and emailed my sister. I told her from the very beginning my intention was reconciliation. I told her things that I was upset about that she thought of me. I explained I have learned I will probably never get an apology from her but that God has made me realize it's not my job to make sure she gets it basically. I also explained the things that have bothered me about how she treats people. Throughout the entire email I reassured her that my intentions were pure and I was hoping she would see it as me trying to reconcile rather than her wanting to start a fight over it.
I really don't know what kind of response I will get or when I will get one. I am nervous, but I also feel good. I can finally say my prayers tonight (or whenever the heck I finally fall asleep) and not make up an excuse over why I haven't attempted to reconcile with my sister. I also sent an email to my youth pastor thanking him for the impact he has on people and that I wanted him to realize he really does make a difference. In general terms, I explained to him I'd had a relationship that needed to be fixed but I was letting my pride get in the way, but that he helped push me to fix it.
My appointment is tomorrow. I called into work again tonight. I tried so hard not to. I just couldn't get my head to stop. I am really nervous about tomorrow, but my dad is going with me, so maybe he will help to kind of calm me down. I mean, it's worth a shot right? I was going to go by myself originally. Work could have made my nerves a little better tonight, because I'd be stressed over work instead of the appointment. But I was so afraid of all the noises hurting my head so badly. And after nearly fainting yesterday, I felt it may be important as well to try to keep myself pretty busy today with things I had to do to try to get myself back in the swing but not over do it. I just pray that they can find an answer tomorrow and it is easily treatable. I am really scared, but if tomorrow puts an end to this and I can move on, I'll be so grateful. My stepmom did say, however, not to expect the MRI tomorrow the MS. She said that in her experience that would be in another appointment. So, I'll most likely do a CT tomorrow and I don't know what else. I've had a CT before. It only bothered me, because, hello, who wants a big bright light shining in your eyes when your head hurts? Not exactly what I call helpful. So, I'll just try my best to remember to close my eyes! :)
If you're interested in listening to the sermon I discussed, here's the link: http://www.thequestonline.com/messages/re-imagine-relationships/ Happy reconciling!
Sunday, September 25, 2011
Rebaptism
Today my sister was rebaptized. To some, this may seem outrageous. To my dad, it definitely did. However, there is another side to this. I have had mixed feelings about it for awhile, but it has been something I have also at least considered for myself. My sisters and I were all baptized as infants. This was one of the many things my parents disagreed upon. My dad was raised Lutheran; my mother baptist. When they got married they compromised on Methodist. My mother was very opposed to infant baptism, but began to be okay with the idea once she realized it is somewhat more of a dedication to the church and the idea that the church will guide the child in the ways of life and God.
Today I was made a complete believer in rebaptism. At my sister's church, it is one of the "campus churches" where you have a minister who preaches at a church and many different areas watch from a screen. It really is a wonderful concept, and the minister is incredible. Well, today they were having a massive baptism after the service, so the service was on baptism.
He pointed out that every baptism in the Bible was by complete submersion. He also said that the Greek word for baptism literally meant under water (don't quote me on the exact translation..I forgot to write it down..sorry...but that was the general idea) as opposed to "raino" which means to "sprinkle" as in infant baptisms for example.
He also pointed out something that really hit home with me. He was saying that many people feel that if they decide to rededicate their lives to Christ, it means that they must get rebaptized; however, this is not the case. On the other hand, there are many reasons many people should be rebaptized. The example he gave was actually his own personal experience. He stated that at the age of 5, he, the ADD kid that he was, got excited when the minister opened the alter to prayer, and so he went and kneeled. The minister proceeded to put his hand on his shoulder, and said to pray a certain prayer. Upon completion, he stated that the little boy was now saved and would go to Heaven instead of Hell. He said, he had no concept of what Hell even was. A couple of years later, someone at church (a different church) asked if he had been saved. The idea in his head was that "oh, yeah, definitely I got saved because "preacher" said so!". However, then he was asked if he was baptized by submersion, and he said no. So, he was then baptized a second time. A third time, a few years later, he began to have an understanding of what a life with Christ really meant and what being baptized was all about. In this case, he was then baptized a third time. Out of three times, only once did he actually have any idea of what it actually meant and the impact it had on his life.
My sisters and I, all having been baptized as infants, had a completely different experience. Our parents made the decision for us. It was not ours to make. Now, my dad would say, and has said to me, that if I was to ever get rebaptized it would mean I did not believe it actually worked the first time. That has stuck in my head for years. The preacher today mentioned that he has people say they do not want to get rebaptized because it would upset their parents (I thought it was rather amusing my dad was there today for this reason but have yet to talk to him about his opinion on the service). The minister pointed out, however, that we dishonor God when we go against what he wants to please our parents. Yes, the Bible says honor your mother and father. In no way, does this mean do not honor God's will.
It was an eye opening service that I will remember for the rest of my life. I am not ready to get rebaptized, but I have decided that one day I will. It also makes me believe I am now more Baptist than I am a Methodist (I have considered myself half and half for a long time now).
Anyway, I hate to admit this, but this is where things didn't go so well today. I actually missed my sister's baptism! (no, i will never admit that to her) Well, as you already know, I've been sick for a couple of weeks. Well, in the service (please keep in mind I've done basically nothing but sit and watch tv for two weeks) I started getting really hot. I started fanning myself hoping it would cool me down. It kept getting worse. I started sweating (my head was already completely pounding again because of the music and lights from earlier). Everyone had been asked to stand. I did. Aaaaand then quickly changed my mind. I got very lightheaded and even hotter. My stepmom was sitting behind me and tapped me asking if I was ok. I remember that she was a blur to me at that point but I told her I was ok. Fortunately, the service ended a few minutes later. Of course my family was very concerned at that point and I simply excused myself and went to the bathroom. There were peppermints in there and I definitely ate a couple of those just incase it was my bloodsugar (although I'd had cereal and a coffee less than three hours earlier). Well, by the time I got outside to the baptismal pool, there's my little sister climbing out of the pool. :( I was really sad. Not only that, but my other sister had followed me into the bathroom incase I fell out, and so she missed it as well.
Well, then everyone is standing around talking and the sun is beaming down on me when I was already not able to cool down while inside. Pictures were taken and then people were trying to figure out where to go to lunch. My stepmom looks at me and starts to panic saying I'm going completely pale. Well, I am olive complexioned, so this was definitely not a good sign. She walked me to my car and told me to turn on the AC and gave my sanitizing wipes to wipe on my arms, legs, and neck (alcohol cool body temperature..which I didn't learn until my patient a few weeks ago had a temp of 103). It started working fairly quickly and by the time everyone was ready to leave, I starting to come to again. When I got into the restaurant there was a burst of cool air in the waiting area. I sat there for several minutes. Everyone was freezing but I was feeling fantastic finally. My color came back quickly. I've never fainted, but I'm pretty sure I was only minutes from doing so today.
Now, does this have anything to do with everything that has been going on lately? Honestly, it is a possibility. I am THINKING though that it was simply a hormonal thing even though I have never had a "hot flash" like that before. I mean this was intense. I am praying that's all it was, but it does still scare me and I wonder if I should mention it to the neurologist this week or not.
Anyway, that's my update. I am praying I have the strength to go to work tomorrow night. My mom told me this morning she was unaware I hadn't been back to work since she'd seen me, so now she is concerned for not only my health but my finances as I am. I NEED to be able to make it to work tomorrow. Today was not a hopeful look into the future, but I am going to continue to pray for healing and good news this week. Good news to me would mean they would find what is going on and that it is very easily curable or treatable. That's what my prayer is.
Today I was made a complete believer in rebaptism. At my sister's church, it is one of the "campus churches" where you have a minister who preaches at a church and many different areas watch from a screen. It really is a wonderful concept, and the minister is incredible. Well, today they were having a massive baptism after the service, so the service was on baptism.
He pointed out that every baptism in the Bible was by complete submersion. He also said that the Greek word for baptism literally meant under water (don't quote me on the exact translation..I forgot to write it down..sorry...but that was the general idea) as opposed to "raino" which means to "sprinkle" as in infant baptisms for example.
He also pointed out something that really hit home with me. He was saying that many people feel that if they decide to rededicate their lives to Christ, it means that they must get rebaptized; however, this is not the case. On the other hand, there are many reasons many people should be rebaptized. The example he gave was actually his own personal experience. He stated that at the age of 5, he, the ADD kid that he was, got excited when the minister opened the alter to prayer, and so he went and kneeled. The minister proceeded to put his hand on his shoulder, and said to pray a certain prayer. Upon completion, he stated that the little boy was now saved and would go to Heaven instead of Hell. He said, he had no concept of what Hell even was. A couple of years later, someone at church (a different church) asked if he had been saved. The idea in his head was that "oh, yeah, definitely I got saved because "preacher" said so!". However, then he was asked if he was baptized by submersion, and he said no. So, he was then baptized a second time. A third time, a few years later, he began to have an understanding of what a life with Christ really meant and what being baptized was all about. In this case, he was then baptized a third time. Out of three times, only once did he actually have any idea of what it actually meant and the impact it had on his life.
My sisters and I, all having been baptized as infants, had a completely different experience. Our parents made the decision for us. It was not ours to make. Now, my dad would say, and has said to me, that if I was to ever get rebaptized it would mean I did not believe it actually worked the first time. That has stuck in my head for years. The preacher today mentioned that he has people say they do not want to get rebaptized because it would upset their parents (I thought it was rather amusing my dad was there today for this reason but have yet to talk to him about his opinion on the service). The minister pointed out, however, that we dishonor God when we go against what he wants to please our parents. Yes, the Bible says honor your mother and father. In no way, does this mean do not honor God's will.
It was an eye opening service that I will remember for the rest of my life. I am not ready to get rebaptized, but I have decided that one day I will. It also makes me believe I am now more Baptist than I am a Methodist (I have considered myself half and half for a long time now).
Anyway, I hate to admit this, but this is where things didn't go so well today. I actually missed my sister's baptism! (no, i will never admit that to her) Well, as you already know, I've been sick for a couple of weeks. Well, in the service (please keep in mind I've done basically nothing but sit and watch tv for two weeks) I started getting really hot. I started fanning myself hoping it would cool me down. It kept getting worse. I started sweating (my head was already completely pounding again because of the music and lights from earlier). Everyone had been asked to stand. I did. Aaaaand then quickly changed my mind. I got very lightheaded and even hotter. My stepmom was sitting behind me and tapped me asking if I was ok. I remember that she was a blur to me at that point but I told her I was ok. Fortunately, the service ended a few minutes later. Of course my family was very concerned at that point and I simply excused myself and went to the bathroom. There were peppermints in there and I definitely ate a couple of those just incase it was my bloodsugar (although I'd had cereal and a coffee less than three hours earlier). Well, by the time I got outside to the baptismal pool, there's my little sister climbing out of the pool. :( I was really sad. Not only that, but my other sister had followed me into the bathroom incase I fell out, and so she missed it as well.
Well, then everyone is standing around talking and the sun is beaming down on me when I was already not able to cool down while inside. Pictures were taken and then people were trying to figure out where to go to lunch. My stepmom looks at me and starts to panic saying I'm going completely pale. Well, I am olive complexioned, so this was definitely not a good sign. She walked me to my car and told me to turn on the AC and gave my sanitizing wipes to wipe on my arms, legs, and neck (alcohol cool body temperature..which I didn't learn until my patient a few weeks ago had a temp of 103). It started working fairly quickly and by the time everyone was ready to leave, I starting to come to again. When I got into the restaurant there was a burst of cool air in the waiting area. I sat there for several minutes. Everyone was freezing but I was feeling fantastic finally. My color came back quickly. I've never fainted, but I'm pretty sure I was only minutes from doing so today.
Now, does this have anything to do with everything that has been going on lately? Honestly, it is a possibility. I am THINKING though that it was simply a hormonal thing even though I have never had a "hot flash" like that before. I mean this was intense. I am praying that's all it was, but it does still scare me and I wonder if I should mention it to the neurologist this week or not.
Anyway, that's my update. I am praying I have the strength to go to work tomorrow night. My mom told me this morning she was unaware I hadn't been back to work since she'd seen me, so now she is concerned for not only my health but my finances as I am. I NEED to be able to make it to work tomorrow. Today was not a hopeful look into the future, but I am going to continue to pray for healing and good news this week. Good news to me would mean they would find what is going on and that it is very easily curable or treatable. That's what my prayer is.
Friday, September 23, 2011
Running Out Of Options
So, as I sit in tears fearing for what may come Tuesday, I'm in tears for another reason. I got my paycheck today, and I came to the realization, it is quite possible I will literally be running out of money soon. One of my greatest fears, and it's right around the corner, because my next check will be even worse. The check I got today will cover my rent and one of my loans. So, I already transferred more than half my savings into checking and I'm praying I won't have to use it all. I am supposed to travel an hour one way this weekend to go shopping for bridesmaids dresses this weekend and also celebrate and witness the fact my sister is getting rebaptized. I see dollar signs. I know it's horrible. But, I know with the group that will be there shopping for dresses, they will most likely want to do lunch or dinner. I don't know how I'm going to handle that yet. It will either be that I say I can't, and ask for my sister's apartment key or else I go with them and get water while I watch everyone else eat and I go hungry. I've already told myself I'm taking snacks. I can probably play off the one where I say I'm not hungry and then eat when I get back. It would suck, but I think it's doable. My sisters currently do not know I'm out of work without pay.
One of my sisters knows I've been sick (I think at least cuz Lord knows I've talked to her several times lately and she hasn't even asked how I'm doin soooooo maybe I'm wrong?? But I just don't mention it.). The other sister, I still haven't talked to (I've figured out tomorrow will be one month) since she completely betrayed me by telling my dad about the symptoms I've been having. She is supposed to be there tomorrow. I still have a headache, and I am not going to be in the mood to deal with her. I warned her ever since this started that if she has not apologized to me by the time I see her to not expect me to be okay around her. I have gotten no apology. It's really hard for me, because I definitely don't want to ruin this day for my other sister. I told the older one (one I'm not talking to) that the whole reason I tried to work this out before was that we were supposed to see each other in a couple days (this was a month ago) and that I didn't want to ruin it. Well, that day ended up getting cancelled for whatever reason. So here we are again, and I wonder how it's going to go. I've just had it from her. She is not the person I used to know, and I always pray she will come back, but until her husband stops letting her walk all over him (no, I'm by no means saying I want him to mistreat her) then she will never learn she can't talk to and treat people the way that she is.
Anyway, I'm supposed to work on Monday. I have told myself I'm really going to try to go in. It will really be challenging, because it will mean I will work all night and then not be able to sleep before an appointment that will probably be a long while. Sorry, but I don't do well if I've gone nearly 24 hours without sleep. On the other hand, however, I AM GOING TO RUN OUT OF MONEY!!! I have even thought of where I would turn if I really find out I can't pay my bills. I have always been so financially responsible, and so me asking for money is something I've simply struggled with. The only people I found that I could even consider asking would be my parents, even though I know that would be admitting failure. The problem is that they don't have any money themselves. Soooo what is a person supposed to do? I already haven't been goin out much (for months and months and months...I get out occasionally). I've been restricting my driving to save on gas for several months. I mean, I can't very well get a loan to pay loans. That'd be like me getting a credit card so I can pay off debt. Um. Stupid. But really, what is a person supposed to do?? I have about $300 that I can take out of my other bank to try to help. That will almost pay one of the bills that I have. If I can't work, I can't very well start working the overtime that I'm already planning on working for at least ooooh I don't know months. I'm on the brink of telling my best friend in the whole world I can't be in her wedding next month. I still have to get my dress hemmed which will be more money. I still have to pay her parents for the hotel. I still have to have the gas to make the 4-5 hour trip ONE WAY.
All of this on top of me being stressed over what they may find physically wrong with me on Tuesday?? Somebody please tell me how I'm supposed to cope with this?!??!?!?!?!?!?!??!
One of my sisters knows I've been sick (I think at least cuz Lord knows I've talked to her several times lately and she hasn't even asked how I'm doin soooooo maybe I'm wrong?? But I just don't mention it.). The other sister, I still haven't talked to (I've figured out tomorrow will be one month) since she completely betrayed me by telling my dad about the symptoms I've been having. She is supposed to be there tomorrow. I still have a headache, and I am not going to be in the mood to deal with her. I warned her ever since this started that if she has not apologized to me by the time I see her to not expect me to be okay around her. I have gotten no apology. It's really hard for me, because I definitely don't want to ruin this day for my other sister. I told the older one (one I'm not talking to) that the whole reason I tried to work this out before was that we were supposed to see each other in a couple days (this was a month ago) and that I didn't want to ruin it. Well, that day ended up getting cancelled for whatever reason. So here we are again, and I wonder how it's going to go. I've just had it from her. She is not the person I used to know, and I always pray she will come back, but until her husband stops letting her walk all over him (no, I'm by no means saying I want him to mistreat her) then she will never learn she can't talk to and treat people the way that she is.
Anyway, I'm supposed to work on Monday. I have told myself I'm really going to try to go in. It will really be challenging, because it will mean I will work all night and then not be able to sleep before an appointment that will probably be a long while. Sorry, but I don't do well if I've gone nearly 24 hours without sleep. On the other hand, however, I AM GOING TO RUN OUT OF MONEY!!! I have even thought of where I would turn if I really find out I can't pay my bills. I have always been so financially responsible, and so me asking for money is something I've simply struggled with. The only people I found that I could even consider asking would be my parents, even though I know that would be admitting failure. The problem is that they don't have any money themselves. Soooo what is a person supposed to do? I already haven't been goin out much (for months and months and months...I get out occasionally). I've been restricting my driving to save on gas for several months. I mean, I can't very well get a loan to pay loans. That'd be like me getting a credit card so I can pay off debt. Um. Stupid. But really, what is a person supposed to do?? I have about $300 that I can take out of my other bank to try to help. That will almost pay one of the bills that I have. If I can't work, I can't very well start working the overtime that I'm already planning on working for at least ooooh I don't know months. I'm on the brink of telling my best friend in the whole world I can't be in her wedding next month. I still have to get my dress hemmed which will be more money. I still have to pay her parents for the hotel. I still have to have the gas to make the 4-5 hour trip ONE WAY.
All of this on top of me being stressed over what they may find physically wrong with me on Tuesday?? Somebody please tell me how I'm supposed to cope with this?!??!?!?!?!?!?!??!
Thursday, September 22, 2011
The Truth Is Soon To Come
Tuesday I will officially see a neurologist. Yes, previously, I'd stated that I'd taken the stance of "keeping my head in the sand", however more problems arose. About a week and a half ago I was diagnosed with a sinus infection (something I get several times a year, no big deal). This time, however, I was reminded of one time last year that I had the same problem. A headache that simply will not go away. Last year, I was admitted to the hospital for a night, given every drug under the sun and then discharged (with a headache still), because I did not currently have insurance. I'm happy to say, I do not work, nor will I ever be a patient again, at this hospital. They even called me while I was in my hospital bed to talk about daggum insurance! However, I digress.
I went to the ER on Sunday. I had already missed a week of work (three nights as a nurse), and Sunday made my fourth. I was given an antibiotic and also a pain med with codeine specifically used for migraines at urgent care when I was diagnosed with the sinus infection. It got rid of all my symptoms...but did not touch my headache. So, when I went to the ER, I was given a stronger antibiotic and then vicodin to try to knock it out. Absolutely nothing. I have now been out of work five shifts counting tonight. I am not feeling quite as badly today as I have been, but I also spent 97% of my day and evening completely horizontal in bed. (minus a daggum firealarm that went off in my apt complex that woke me..yeah, that was fun).
I was told in the ER Sunday that if my headache was still present in 48 hours, to call a neurologist and gave me the name of one (which, if you remember, was a problem I had before of knowing which one to choose). Well, Monday morning (yes, even though I haven't worked in over two weeks, still having trouble switching nights and days! haha), I hoped and prayed that things would get better, because I was scared of what a neurologist may find. Tuesday morning came, things weren't better. I waited, took my antibiotic, ate some breakfast. Things that I thought may make me feel a little better. Nothing. So, I called the neurologist.
This lady needed a new job, because it was obvious how much she hates her current one. Anyway, this secretary proceeds to tell me that she can get me in on Tuesday of next week. I obviously have a shocked reaction, because she replied, "What? Does that not work for you?" To which I replied, "Yeah, I, mean, that's fine. It's just so far away." "Well, it's really not --" "I know, I know..it's not your fault..I'm just hurting" "Well, most people take months to get in...." Just rude. Yes, I understand how things work. I'm in the medical field, but I'd already dealt with the headache for almost a week and a half to the point I couldn't work, and now I'm being asked to deal with it for another week. That's not easy.
So anway, I also told her that I would also like to be tested for MS. (Yes, since I'm going, I will go ahead and be tested even though I'm already scared about the headache.) She told me it was something I can talk to the doctor about. So, you're telling me that it is so difficult for you to write down that the patient has an ongoing headache and that she would like to also have MS testing done? Really. Just write it down, woman. That way, my appointment slot won't look like it should be maybe an hour or two appt for the office, when, in actuality, it may very well take much longer. I have no idea.
Needless to say, I'm annoyed and in pain. I haven't been on my computer much lately, because it hurts. Honestly, I've written this blog in pieces, but I had to get some stuff out. Yes, I'm truly scared. It's kind of the downside to having the medical knowledge that I have. I know what things like a CT scan can show, and I've been having the nightmares to prove it. I fear my whole life could change Tuesday, and there's nothing I can do about it.
What's worse is that I don't even think the last couple of nights I had enough vacation time to cover, so I'm pretty sure I'm out of work without pay at this point. I still have to (odds are) call in tomorrow night and also Monday. I would have to call in Monday anyway, because there's no way I can work all night Monday and then make it to an 11am appointment. Are you kidding? I am getting ready to move in roughly a month and a half, and I desperately need the money. I had already planned to start picking up some overtime, because I have trips and things (including Christmas) coming up. Well, looks like I will now be dipping into my savings that I've tried so hard not to touch. It isn't like I have an overabundance, but it may be just enough to get me over this hurdle, and Lord am I prayin it does!! I have no idea what I would do if I can't pay my bills and afford the app fee plus first month's rent on my new place. I definitely can't stay here month to month, because my rent will increase about $500. There's no way even if I had been working the whole time I could afford that kind of a jump. I barely make it now. I end up with a couple hundred bucks left in between paychecks if things like pharmacy bills and unexpected things don't come up. I have been working diligently to pay off my debt and figured out the other week just how much I'd paid off since I started. I was actually proud of myself, considering a portion of it was when I was simply a hostess in a restaurant. I fear it is all about to change though. I will definitely be working overtime when I get to feeling better. It is no longer an option. I will be telling them every time I leave work to call me if they need me. It is truly going to SUCK, because I'm so relieved after a horrible night and I'm totally exhausted and get out at 10am sometimes and realize I don't have to come back that night. Well, things are about to change and there's nothing I can do about it if I'm going to stay on top of everything. This is the worst possible time to have to worry about all of this, because I'm definitely fearing for my life and life as I know it right now. Add financial troubles on top of it, yeah, I'm stressed. I'm not really fun to be around right now, but that's partially because I've spent the majority of the last two weeks by myself. I'm going stir crazy. I can't leave my apartment, because I can't handle light. I can't handle noise, so the tv stays on as low as it can go. I can't read, because it hurts. I managed to clean my apartment in many many many stages last night. Got all done but the vaccuuming, because it was about 4am.
I doubt anybody actually reads this blog, but if you find that you've stumbled across it, would you mind please just saying a prayer that everything will be ok? I'm truly very scared right now. Thanks!
I went to the ER on Sunday. I had already missed a week of work (three nights as a nurse), and Sunday made my fourth. I was given an antibiotic and also a pain med with codeine specifically used for migraines at urgent care when I was diagnosed with the sinus infection. It got rid of all my symptoms...but did not touch my headache. So, when I went to the ER, I was given a stronger antibiotic and then vicodin to try to knock it out. Absolutely nothing. I have now been out of work five shifts counting tonight. I am not feeling quite as badly today as I have been, but I also spent 97% of my day and evening completely horizontal in bed. (minus a daggum firealarm that went off in my apt complex that woke me..yeah, that was fun).
I was told in the ER Sunday that if my headache was still present in 48 hours, to call a neurologist and gave me the name of one (which, if you remember, was a problem I had before of knowing which one to choose). Well, Monday morning (yes, even though I haven't worked in over two weeks, still having trouble switching nights and days! haha), I hoped and prayed that things would get better, because I was scared of what a neurologist may find. Tuesday morning came, things weren't better. I waited, took my antibiotic, ate some breakfast. Things that I thought may make me feel a little better. Nothing. So, I called the neurologist.
This lady needed a new job, because it was obvious how much she hates her current one. Anyway, this secretary proceeds to tell me that she can get me in on Tuesday of next week. I obviously have a shocked reaction, because she replied, "What? Does that not work for you?" To which I replied, "Yeah, I, mean, that's fine. It's just so far away." "Well, it's really not --" "I know, I know..it's not your fault..I'm just hurting" "Well, most people take months to get in...." Just rude. Yes, I understand how things work. I'm in the medical field, but I'd already dealt with the headache for almost a week and a half to the point I couldn't work, and now I'm being asked to deal with it for another week. That's not easy.
So anway, I also told her that I would also like to be tested for MS. (Yes, since I'm going, I will go ahead and be tested even though I'm already scared about the headache.) She told me it was something I can talk to the doctor about. So, you're telling me that it is so difficult for you to write down that the patient has an ongoing headache and that she would like to also have MS testing done? Really. Just write it down, woman. That way, my appointment slot won't look like it should be maybe an hour or two appt for the office, when, in actuality, it may very well take much longer. I have no idea.
Needless to say, I'm annoyed and in pain. I haven't been on my computer much lately, because it hurts. Honestly, I've written this blog in pieces, but I had to get some stuff out. Yes, I'm truly scared. It's kind of the downside to having the medical knowledge that I have. I know what things like a CT scan can show, and I've been having the nightmares to prove it. I fear my whole life could change Tuesday, and there's nothing I can do about it.
What's worse is that I don't even think the last couple of nights I had enough vacation time to cover, so I'm pretty sure I'm out of work without pay at this point. I still have to (odds are) call in tomorrow night and also Monday. I would have to call in Monday anyway, because there's no way I can work all night Monday and then make it to an 11am appointment. Are you kidding? I am getting ready to move in roughly a month and a half, and I desperately need the money. I had already planned to start picking up some overtime, because I have trips and things (including Christmas) coming up. Well, looks like I will now be dipping into my savings that I've tried so hard not to touch. It isn't like I have an overabundance, but it may be just enough to get me over this hurdle, and Lord am I prayin it does!! I have no idea what I would do if I can't pay my bills and afford the app fee plus first month's rent on my new place. I definitely can't stay here month to month, because my rent will increase about $500. There's no way even if I had been working the whole time I could afford that kind of a jump. I barely make it now. I end up with a couple hundred bucks left in between paychecks if things like pharmacy bills and unexpected things don't come up. I have been working diligently to pay off my debt and figured out the other week just how much I'd paid off since I started. I was actually proud of myself, considering a portion of it was when I was simply a hostess in a restaurant. I fear it is all about to change though. I will definitely be working overtime when I get to feeling better. It is no longer an option. I will be telling them every time I leave work to call me if they need me. It is truly going to SUCK, because I'm so relieved after a horrible night and I'm totally exhausted and get out at 10am sometimes and realize I don't have to come back that night. Well, things are about to change and there's nothing I can do about it if I'm going to stay on top of everything. This is the worst possible time to have to worry about all of this, because I'm definitely fearing for my life and life as I know it right now. Add financial troubles on top of it, yeah, I'm stressed. I'm not really fun to be around right now, but that's partially because I've spent the majority of the last two weeks by myself. I'm going stir crazy. I can't leave my apartment, because I can't handle light. I can't handle noise, so the tv stays on as low as it can go. I can't read, because it hurts. I managed to clean my apartment in many many many stages last night. Got all done but the vaccuuming, because it was about 4am.
I doubt anybody actually reads this blog, but if you find that you've stumbled across it, would you mind please just saying a prayer that everything will be ok? I'm truly very scared right now. Thanks!
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