Damaged Goods

I was told today that it hurts one of my guy friends that I think of myself as damaged goods. It was a comment I made to him a couple months ago, and I never dreamed he would actually think much about it - much less remember it. He hates that I don't trust anybody, but he also doesn't know even a third of my life story. Why do I see myself as damaged? It's not easy to look back on my life and recall very few happy experiences. I have been hurt badly both physically and emotionally. My very first sexual experience was unwanted, and the guy went around school telling people that, even though I said no, I really did want it. That was when I was a mere 13 or 14 years old. When I went to my mom to actually tell her about it, I left her a note and ran down the street to my elderly neighbor's house so she could have time to read it. When I went home, her response was that I shouldn't have been at his house. Really? Thanks so much for the support. I was someone who felt so strongly about waiting until I was married to have sex. Everyone who knew me knew how I felt, because I had no problem sharing it. I wanted my husband to experience that first with me. Well, I lost my virginity at 22 to someone I truly felt I would spend the rest of my life with. What I experienced with him, I'd never experienced with anyone else nor have I since. We were together for over a year and a half. Times were not always good, but when they were, I was on cloud nine and nothing could bring me down. When we broke up, I was more than depressed. I started thinking that he manipulated me in order to have sex - that all we did and went through together was for sex. So, when we broke up, I was left thinking that is all guys wanted. I have always had more guy friends than girlfriends and I started clinging to my guy friends more than ever, because they wouldn't try anything with me and I could cuddle with them for protection. Then things changed. I started having sex with anyone who wanted to, because it simply didn't matter anymore. Even though I would say no, I still let things continue, because I had already been taught no didn't mean anything. Since I'd already broken the "no sex before marriage" rule that I'd made to myself, why would it matter who else I slept with? So yes, I've slept with several guys now, and I'm totally ashamed of that. That's not who I am. Yes, I do see myself as damaged, because who is going to be ok with what I've done? Who is going to be patient enough to deal with all of the hurt that I've experienced? Nobody. So, I don't bother. People keep pressuring me about dating. Well, I've kind of lost hope in all of that. I look at couples and just wonder how long they will last. People get married all the time and then just divorce a short time later. What's the point? If you'd put the premarital work in beforehand, there would have been a lot of heartache prevented. People don't want to try to work things out and compromise anymore. It's all about what the individual wants. The funny thing is, in the beginning of my relationship, I tried to break it off a couple times, because I was always trained to flee at any sign of an argument. He was the one who taught me that in any relationship there were arguments. Never did I think at the time, that would give us free reign to fight 24/7 about any stupid thing like it became after a point. Do I believe in love? Well, I know what I experienced was love. The question is do I believe in everlasting love? Honestly, I don't know the answer to that anymore. I have been told I am loved but not enough to be in a relationship with. Wow. Probably one of the most harsh comments ever said to me. Funny thing is, I don't think this person said it out of anger, but that doesn't make it any less hurtful. I have to relearn what love is, but for now my walls are up high and are staying there for a long while until a man is willing to put in the work it will take to prove his worth to me. I will one day be treated the way I deserve, but until then I'm not willing to throw myself out to the wolves only to be bitten again and left in the dirt. It has happened way too many times by way too many people in way too many situations, sexual or not. I just simply don't trust people anymore. All I can do is prove to people that I, for one, am trustworthy and people can take it or leave it.