The Last Couple of Weeks

     I have truly pulled away from people the last couple of weeks. I have been through a lot and did not find the support I needed where I expected to find it by any means. Let me go back a few years to explain my story. I was in college and started feeling differently. I was starting to have a lot of pain and heaviness in my legs. I remember tryin to cuddle with the guy I was seeing and feeling guilty, because I simply couldn't handle the weight of his legs on mine. He is by no means a large guy, so it was not the weight factor itself. I never did anything about it, because, frankly, I did not have insurance and I definitely did not have money. Well, I am now working and I am required to have yearly workups at work for insurance purposes. This includes things like weight, vitals, and a CMP (complete metabolic panel..a blood test). I expected nothing out of the ordinary, because I go running pretty often and, while my diet is not necessarily the best, it is by far not the worst. My weight was good and so was my blood pressure (119/66 which is actually kind of high for me, so that bothered me...but it is still good). Well, the nurse had trouble taking my blood at first even with the baby needle that I use on my little old ladies with no veins. That happens occasionally with me, so I just dealt with it, and she managed to have success in the other arm. We got that handled, and then she did my PPD. I then got fitted for my respirator mask and that was that. I was starving, because I had to fast for 12 hours before the bloodwork. My stepdad was in town getting his house together to put on the market, so I went and picked us up some brunch.
     The following day, I get a phonecall. I actually missed the call, because I was driving home. I started listening to the voicemail while I was driving. Huge mistake. My eyes immediately started getting misty, so I found a parking lot to pull into. It was the nurse who had checked out my bloodwork results. She said everything looked good...except...and she HESITATED!! She said my potassium was high and that the sample did not appear hemolyzed. For those who do not know, a hemolyzed sample often affects the potassium level and can cause it to appear high. I immediately freaked. I am well aware that when one of my patients has a high potassium level, it is important to notify the MD, because potassium can affect cardiac arrythmias. We do not worry as much in hemodialysis patients who will go for dialysis that day, because high potassium can also be a symptom of poor renal function..ie. a dialysis patient. I called..who else...MOM. She didn't answer!! I did not want to talk to anyone else but her. She and I do butt heads a lot, because we have very similar personalities, but whenever something big like that happens, she is most often who I want to run to. So, I tried to pull myself together, finish driving home, and called her again. I still got no answer, so I called the house. Nothing. I texted her. I said, I got the test results...please call me. I definitely did not want to leave in the text the results, because I knew she wouldn't understand the implications. I finally called my stepdad hoping that he would know her whereabouts (yes, even though they were nearly four hours apart, he still has a pretty good inclination). He was on the phone with her! So, she called me back a couple minutes later and stated, "You don't sound good!" I immediately broke down. She just kept telling me not to worry and that everything would be ok and to just pray about it. I started researching my nursing books and the internet..Bingo! I started singing a bit of a different tune.
     It turns out that potassium can cause numbness and tingling (also what I started feeling 2-3 years ago) and fatigue. Well, I'm not really sure what true restfulness feels like, because I've felt "fatigued" all my life. It has never matter if I've gotten 2 hours or 14 hours of sleep, I still feel exhausted. Because of this finding, I was feeling a bit of hope. The nurse had asked if I wanted to be retested, and my response was, "Definitely!" Once I had done my research, I was actually kind of hoping it would come back with the same result, because then I could actually find a reason for what I'd been feeling for so long. I was still afraid to eat much the next few days (I had to wait all weekend to get it redrawn), but I tried so hard to ignore it. Well, when you work Friday, Saturday, and Sunday and have patients who are being given meds for high potassium hoping it goes down, it is not very easy to forget about your own problems, but goodness if I did not try!! My appointment was for whenever I could manage to get off work Monday morning (I work nights).
     The next morning at 0730, I got my call. She said it was still slightly high but that it was slightly hemolyzed so it was probably fine. I was actually kind of distraught. So, I sent out a facebook message to the few people I had informed of what had been going on. I really did not want people knowing, but one of my friends pointed out that that was why we have friends and family and that they can be a prayer support group. So, I gave in and told a few people. The response I got only made me feel worse. My mom texted me and told me she was upset, because I did not call her when I woke up. Um. I woke up at 7. Figured she would be asleep. When she texted me, I was about to go running. Never heard from my sisters. HOWEVER, I found out from my stepmom that my older sister had told my dad everything. I specifically told her I did not want him knowing anything! He was the one person more than anyone I did not want to know.
     Here's the thing about my dad. He has Multiple Sclerosis and his dad had it as well. Here's where it freaks me out. The symptoms I'm having can easily be translated into MS. That is why I'm just about to lose it right now. The thing that really angered me (besides the fact my sister completely betrayed my trust) is that she told him "she has high potassium and they think it is MS". Way to twist a freaking story!! My stepmom has known for a couple years I have been having trouble, but was fortunately nice enough not to mention it to my dad, because she knew I did not want to worry him when I did not know what was going on. So, once my sister told him, I felt I had hurt his feelings. He called me and left me a voicemail pretending he did not know anything and just wanted to see how I was doing. I texted him and said that I was sorry but I was not in the mood to talk on the phone to anyone...which was the truth. For about a week and a half I have been either texting people or not talking to anyone at all.
     I have not talked to my mom since she flipped out on me that morning. I layed into my older sister that day and her response was to put some stupid comment on FB about the fact she hates drama and theatrics. I wanted so badly to tell her then she shouldn't start it! But, I kept my composure and have just decided not to have anything to do with her right now instead until some of my anger dissipates. I did not hear from my little sister until that night, and I kind of wish now I just had not heard from her at all.
     She called and left me a voicemail explaining she had a question for me. To this, I responded again that I was sorry but I did not feel like talking on the phone but I would help her any way I could. She said she was not asking over text and this went back and forth several minutes. She called again, and through my tears I answered gruffly, "What do you want?!" She was obviously flustered, and said she just wanted to ask me to be her maid of honor...and then hung up on me. I felt lower than dirt. I just didn't understand why she did not wait to ask me, because she knew I was upset. I felt, and still feel, like the worst person on the face of the earth for ruining that life experience for her that she can never get back. It makes me cry now just reliving it. I am a very sentimental person, and I would hate for someone to ruin that for me. I texted her and said I was truly sorry for ruining something for her again. She texted back asking, "Again?". I never responded. I did send a note with the check I sent her a couple days ago, though, telling her how sorry I was and that again I would be truly honored to be her maid of honor. I do not feel like I am maid of honor material for anyone, because I am not all into the details of things and...I don't know, it's hard to explain. I am also still recovering from the bridezilla that was my other sister...over two years ago. So, I am not really excited to possibly go through it again, although, I feel that with this sister's personality things will be different. It also sucks, because at this point I would have been married myself. I had the love of my life and lost it. That's a story for another time though. So, while I'm not jealous of my sister and her happiness, I am kind of sad for what I would have had, but I've learned it was probably for the best.
     So where do I go from here? Why am I still pulling away from people (besides the fact that I attempted to keep people involved and got CRAP for responses)? Well, I put in a call to my doctor last week. She is going to try to refer me to a neurologist. Yup, I am getting tested...for MS. It is the diagnosis my sisters and I have feared for years. My grandfather died 18 days after I was born, so I never met him. I do know that he became wheelchair bound from his MS and died at 55 years old. My dad has beat him as far as age goes, but he uses a cane, sometimes a walker, and now has a chairlift on his stairs at home. He was laid off from work this year, and so he spends most of his time simply sitting at home watching tv or reading. I wish he would take a more active role in exercising on his ample selection or equipment upstairs that my stepmom got in an attempt for him to take care of himself. He just won't. it would be so beneficial for him. It has been really hard to watch him slowly decline over the years, but I do know that for as long as he has had it he is doing relatively well. I am so deathly afraid of being given this diagnosis that has plagued my family. All I can do is sit and wait on a phonecall to tell me when my appointment is. They said they were going to try to get me in this week.
     My job makes all of this harder on me. I work as and ortho/NEURO nurse. I see people having surgeries on a daily basis to resolve numbness and tingling. Hey, if surgery would heal all of this for me, I say let's do it and somehow I'll find the money. To be able to get rid of the constant pain I'm in...the heaviness in my legs, the tingling in my fingers and feet...the numbness in my legs and feet...the aching in my arms...yes please!!! I just know with my family history, I am high risk for MS and it is hard to forget that fact as much as I try. This week could literally change the rest of my life. And, wouldn't ya know, when I need my family the most, with the exception of my dad, I am not on speaking terms with any of them. Wow. Getting through these last couple weeks has by no means been an easy feat. I have cried on and off everyday. My nerves have been completely shot.
      I am actually thankful that scheduling for my vacation got messed up and that I have been off work for the last week. I needed it so badly. Unfortunately, I have to go back tomorrow night. On the upside of that, I will then be off until Friday and will work all weekend. Hopefully, in the time in between I will have gone through my tests and will maybe even have an answer. A part of me still wants to retreat to what I've always done, though, and hide my head in the sand. I don't want to know for fear of what may be. I have never been so scared in my life. I know what a diagnosis of MS means. I've grown up with it. I used to have my friends ask if my dad was drunk, because he would stumble so much, especially getting out of the car. I live in constant fear of him falling (which he does constantly) and truly hurting himself. How can I watch out for him like I've always done if I myself get in the same position??
     My heart is heavy with worry. There's nothing I can do. It is completely out of my hands, including my appointment time. There's nothing I can do except pray and pretend that all of this is not on my mind constantly when I talk to or am around other people. I mean it was hard enough to pretend I was not in constant pain...but now to keep all of this a secret? The thing is, if the tests do come back that I have MS, I'm not sure that I would actually tell anyone. I really just don't know right now. Well, here's to praying for the best.