Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Damaged Goods
I was told today that it hurts one of my guy friends that I think of myself as damaged goods. It was a comment I made to him a couple months ago, and I never dreamed he would actually think much about it - much less remember it. He hates that I don't trust anybody, but he also doesn't know even a third of my life story. Why do I see myself as damaged? It's not easy to look back on my life and recall very few happy experiences. I have been hurt badly both physically and emotionally. My very first sexual experience was unwanted, and the guy went around school telling people that, even though I said no, I really did want it. That was when I was a mere 13 or 14 years old. When I went to my mom to actually tell her about it, I left her a note and ran down the street to my elderly neighbor's house so she could have time to read it. When I went home, her response was that I shouldn't have been at his house. Really? Thanks so much for the support. I was someone who felt so strongly about waiting until I was married to have sex. Everyone who knew me knew how I felt, because I had no problem sharing it. I wanted my husband to experience that first with me. Well, I lost my virginity at 22 to someone I truly felt I would spend the rest of my life with. What I experienced with him, I'd never experienced with anyone else nor have I since. We were together for over a year and a half. Times were not always good, but when they were, I was on cloud nine and nothing could bring me down. When we broke up, I was more than depressed. I started thinking that he manipulated me in order to have sex - that all we did and went through together was for sex. So, when we broke up, I was left thinking that is all guys wanted. I have always had more guy friends than girlfriends and I started clinging to my guy friends more than ever, because they wouldn't try anything with me and I could cuddle with them for protection. Then things changed. I started having sex with anyone who wanted to, because it simply didn't matter anymore. Even though I would say no, I still let things continue, because I had already been taught no didn't mean anything. Since I'd already broken the "no sex before marriage" rule that I'd made to myself, why would it matter who else I slept with? So yes, I've slept with several guys now, and I'm totally ashamed of that. That's not who I am. Yes, I do see myself as damaged, because who is going to be ok with what I've done? Who is going to be patient enough to deal with all of the hurt that I've experienced? Nobody. So, I don't bother. People keep pressuring me about dating. Well, I've kind of lost hope in all of that. I look at couples and just wonder how long they will last. People get married all the time and then just divorce a short time later. What's the point? If you'd put the premarital work in beforehand, there would have been a lot of heartache prevented. People don't want to try to work things out and compromise anymore. It's all about what the individual wants. The funny thing is, in the beginning of my relationship, I tried to break it off a couple times, because I was always trained to flee at any sign of an argument. He was the one who taught me that in any relationship there were arguments. Never did I think at the time, that would give us free reign to fight 24/7 about any stupid thing like it became after a point. Do I believe in love? Well, I know what I experienced was love. The question is do I believe in everlasting love? Honestly, I don't know the answer to that anymore. I have been told I am loved but not enough to be in a relationship with. Wow. Probably one of the most harsh comments ever said to me. Funny thing is, I don't think this person said it out of anger, but that doesn't make it any less hurtful. I have to relearn what love is, but for now my walls are up high and are staying there for a long while until a man is willing to put in the work it will take to prove his worth to me. I will one day be treated the way I deserve, but until then I'm not willing to throw myself out to the wolves only to be bitten again and left in the dirt. It has happened way too many times by way too many people in way too many situations, sexual or not. I just simply don't trust people anymore. All I can do is prove to people that I, for one, am trustworthy and people can take it or leave it.
Sunday, August 28, 2011
Defeat
That's the only way to describe work last night. I got pulled for the third freakin time in less than a month. Ok, yes, that's annoying, but the fact that this is twice that it has happened when I'm working three in a row really upsets me. Why can't I freakin keep my same patients instead of having to get used to all new patients, know their history, how to handle them, etc???? Not to mention it makes report and charting a whole heck of a lot easier!!! Here was my night:
Patient 1: cussed at me because we don't serve breakfast at 0330. In soft waist restraint, because she was walking the halls yesterday. She kept telling me she had to get home. I offered her orange juice and graham crackers when she freakin cussed at me. She STILL wanted to cuss at me. I told her I did not appreciate that, I was trying to help her, and I wasn't cussing at her. I was glad she was asleep again for my final round. I was done with her.
Patient 2: actually a pretty decent patient.
Patient 3: had one soft mitten restraint and one soft wrist restraint. The mitten saved me from getting a black eye...literally...because the patient freakin tried to swing at me!! and when i told the day shift nurse that I gave him ativan for that, she said, "Oh, yeah, he does that." Um. Really??? I am supposed to be ok with seriously nearly getting a black eye?? I DON'T THINK SO!! She seriously questioned me giving him ativan and I was left to defend myself. Omg. He also had a PEG tube and was getting feeds every 4 hours.
Patient 4: Very sweet man. I actually made a little extra time for him (where I found the time, Lord ONLY knows!), because he was so sweet and seemed lonely. He was having me draw pictures and he was doing little brain teasers with them and stuff. Well, I do my final rounds on my patients...what a huuuuuuuuge mistake. He freakin wanted to leave AMA at daggum 0653!!! Really?! He threatened to pull out his foley if I didn't do it for him. I had to get the charge nurse and everything at freakin shift change. So, HE was cussing at me as well...while at the same time tellin me how sweet I was. Um.
Patient 5: Sweet little lady. Just had abx GALORE and I was left to get her a new IV that was a week old! Ok, so she's a hard stick...but a woman with freakin cancer..hello...immunosuppressed you idiots! How could they leave that IV in her like that?! Not to mention her hand was starting to swell!!
Patient 6: Another sweet lady..but the family refused to let us put her in restraints. We told them the only way we would not is if the family was in there at all times. Evidently, you have to stress the fact you have to WATCH her while you're in there. She was pulling at her IV. She pulled off her telemetry leads. She also hated drinking much, but her meds had to be crushed and put in nectar. It was crazy difficult to get her to finish. I finally just acted like she was a two year old and said that she only needed to drink a few more sips. Even that was a chore.
It did me no good to SOMEHOW get everything done with 20 minutes to spare. I still left at 0830. It was one of those nights, though, that I have to stop BOILING before I can sleep. I am working on it. I am back again for my third night in a row. I really wish I could just win the lottery and quit work. It is truly miserable. I get told what a great nurse I am and I'm so sweet and yada yada, but the junk I have to put up with is not freakin worth it...especially for the money. I mean gettin cussed at and a near black eye in one night?? Eh, no thanks.
Patient 1: cussed at me because we don't serve breakfast at 0330. In soft waist restraint, because she was walking the halls yesterday. She kept telling me she had to get home. I offered her orange juice and graham crackers when she freakin cussed at me. She STILL wanted to cuss at me. I told her I did not appreciate that, I was trying to help her, and I wasn't cussing at her. I was glad she was asleep again for my final round. I was done with her.
Patient 2: actually a pretty decent patient.
Patient 3: had one soft mitten restraint and one soft wrist restraint. The mitten saved me from getting a black eye...literally...because the patient freakin tried to swing at me!! and when i told the day shift nurse that I gave him ativan for that, she said, "Oh, yeah, he does that." Um. Really??? I am supposed to be ok with seriously nearly getting a black eye?? I DON'T THINK SO!! She seriously questioned me giving him ativan and I was left to defend myself. Omg. He also had a PEG tube and was getting feeds every 4 hours.
Patient 4: Very sweet man. I actually made a little extra time for him (where I found the time, Lord ONLY knows!), because he was so sweet and seemed lonely. He was having me draw pictures and he was doing little brain teasers with them and stuff. Well, I do my final rounds on my patients...what a huuuuuuuuge mistake. He freakin wanted to leave AMA at daggum 0653!!! Really?! He threatened to pull out his foley if I didn't do it for him. I had to get the charge nurse and everything at freakin shift change. So, HE was cussing at me as well...while at the same time tellin me how sweet I was. Um.
Patient 5: Sweet little lady. Just had abx GALORE and I was left to get her a new IV that was a week old! Ok, so she's a hard stick...but a woman with freakin cancer..hello...immunosuppressed you idiots! How could they leave that IV in her like that?! Not to mention her hand was starting to swell!!
Patient 6: Another sweet lady..but the family refused to let us put her in restraints. We told them the only way we would not is if the family was in there at all times. Evidently, you have to stress the fact you have to WATCH her while you're in there. She was pulling at her IV. She pulled off her telemetry leads. She also hated drinking much, but her meds had to be crushed and put in nectar. It was crazy difficult to get her to finish. I finally just acted like she was a two year old and said that she only needed to drink a few more sips. Even that was a chore.
It did me no good to SOMEHOW get everything done with 20 minutes to spare. I still left at 0830. It was one of those nights, though, that I have to stop BOILING before I can sleep. I am working on it. I am back again for my third night in a row. I really wish I could just win the lottery and quit work. It is truly miserable. I get told what a great nurse I am and I'm so sweet and yada yada, but the junk I have to put up with is not freakin worth it...especially for the money. I mean gettin cussed at and a near black eye in one night?? Eh, no thanks.
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Can't Even Manage A Getaway
I left town last night, because I was so fed up. Stayed with a friend. We got a pizza and watched the Braves game (they lost ugh). Well, for probably a half hour or so, I was texting on my phone and I was getting more aggravated by the minute. I had finally decided to stop being hardheaded and try to work things out with my mom and older sister yesterday. I texted them yesterday afternoon and told them that considering we are going wedding dress shopping for my little sister in a week or two, I wanted to try to get on better terms.
I told my mom that I really had no idea why she was upset with me over not calling her at 7am. I told her I was so hurt that I found her car in the driveway and she didn't bother to tell me she was in town. I explained that I've needed her support lately more than ever and have not been able to turn to her. She responded with all this crap about why would she let me know she was in town when all I ever do is get angry with her. I treat my friends better than I do my family. That she didn't think it was right that I told everybody in a facebook message what was going on, because my family should be more important (to which I responded that I only wanted to tell everyone one time and that shouldn't offend her). I explained that I don't see why she gets mad at me just because I don't react to things the way she would or thinks I should. For example, she hated the fact I haven't wanted to talk to anyone -- including her -- on the phone for awhile now. That bothers her, but I did it for my own sanity. I am so sick of always trying to make everybody else happy and am finally trying to live for myself and God only. I left that last part out when talking to her though.
Anyway, as far as my sister goes, she talked about how I was depressed (which besides this medical stuff, no I've not been depressed) and whatever for awhile now and I needed help. Said that I'm always angry. Um, no. I am usually angry with HER. I told her it was the pot calling the kettle black. She has become the most negative, angry, demanding, controlling, and judgemental person that I know and I told her that flat out. I've had it with her. She talked about how she wanted her sister back, well, guess what. When she wants to go back to being the person I used to love hanging out with, well, she might just get the response from me that she wants. Until then, I really want little to do with her. I already only handle her in small doses. She said she loved me and that when I was ready to be a friend and good sister again, she'd be there. My response was simply that love was respect and that she totally disrespected me when she went and told my business that she had no business telling. She claims that family doesn't keep secrets - especially about health. Well, guess what. It was MY secret to decide when I wanted dad to know -- not her!!! So, I simply will know next time not to go to her for anything. And, when I do find out what is going on, she will likely be the last to know.
I am so tired of all of this. So freakin tired. I get made to feel like this horrible person because I don't go out of my way to live my life for other people. Sorry, but I spent way too much of my life trying to do that and all it ever did was make me feel badly when I decided to do something I wanted to do and NOT someone else. To this day, I still wonder what other people will think if I make a certain decision, and I freaking hate that!! I am a single woman who shouldn't have a care in the world what anybody else thinks, but that's my problem: I care waaaaaaaaay too much what other people think and I have no idea how to change that. I guess maybe that's why I come off as mean most of the time to my family, because I get sick to death of hearing what they think I should do. If I want their freakin opinions, I'll ask for em!!!!
I told my mom that I really had no idea why she was upset with me over not calling her at 7am. I told her I was so hurt that I found her car in the driveway and she didn't bother to tell me she was in town. I explained that I've needed her support lately more than ever and have not been able to turn to her. She responded with all this crap about why would she let me know she was in town when all I ever do is get angry with her. I treat my friends better than I do my family. That she didn't think it was right that I told everybody in a facebook message what was going on, because my family should be more important (to which I responded that I only wanted to tell everyone one time and that shouldn't offend her). I explained that I don't see why she gets mad at me just because I don't react to things the way she would or thinks I should. For example, she hated the fact I haven't wanted to talk to anyone -- including her -- on the phone for awhile now. That bothers her, but I did it for my own sanity. I am so sick of always trying to make everybody else happy and am finally trying to live for myself and God only. I left that last part out when talking to her though.
Anyway, as far as my sister goes, she talked about how I was depressed (which besides this medical stuff, no I've not been depressed) and whatever for awhile now and I needed help. Said that I'm always angry. Um, no. I am usually angry with HER. I told her it was the pot calling the kettle black. She has become the most negative, angry, demanding, controlling, and judgemental person that I know and I told her that flat out. I've had it with her. She talked about how she wanted her sister back, well, guess what. When she wants to go back to being the person I used to love hanging out with, well, she might just get the response from me that she wants. Until then, I really want little to do with her. I already only handle her in small doses. She said she loved me and that when I was ready to be a friend and good sister again, she'd be there. My response was simply that love was respect and that she totally disrespected me when she went and told my business that she had no business telling. She claims that family doesn't keep secrets - especially about health. Well, guess what. It was MY secret to decide when I wanted dad to know -- not her!!! So, I simply will know next time not to go to her for anything. And, when I do find out what is going on, she will likely be the last to know.
I am so tired of all of this. So freakin tired. I get made to feel like this horrible person because I don't go out of my way to live my life for other people. Sorry, but I spent way too much of my life trying to do that and all it ever did was make me feel badly when I decided to do something I wanted to do and NOT someone else. To this day, I still wonder what other people will think if I make a certain decision, and I freaking hate that!! I am a single woman who shouldn't have a care in the world what anybody else thinks, but that's my problem: I care waaaaaaaaay too much what other people think and I have no idea how to change that. I guess maybe that's why I come off as mean most of the time to my family, because I get sick to death of hearing what they think I should do. If I want their freakin opinions, I'll ask for em!!!!
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
The Call...and Unexpected Outcome
Well, I was just thrown for a loop. I finally spoke with my doctor's office. Completely didn't see this scenario happening. Instead of being told they were working on the appt with the neurologist, I was told they could not refer me because my insuranance is a PPO (yes I'm in the medical field but still have no idea what that means) and they aren't a primary physician and I'm not pregnant. So, she recommended I call one of the neurologists to see if they required a referral to see if I would need to find a primary doctor. So, I texted my dad to see what the heck I do. How do you look at a list of neurologists who are in your network and decide, "Oh, hey, I think this one has a cool name". I mean, really. My dad's neurologist is not in my network, otherwise I'd ask my dad if he would mind me seeing him as well. I totally did not see this bombshell coming. And, it only means it will be that much more of a waiting game until all this is figured out. That's what I truly hate more than anything right now!!!
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
Ouch!
So I went for a run this evening, and I decided I would be smart and take a Gatorade with me since it was in the mid 90's or so. Well, it did little to help me get my mind off of everything, because carrying the Gatorade was making my tingling hurt so badly. I was constantly readjusting. Currently my hands feel very tight. That's not something I have been experiencing much; however, tingling and tightness does not make for a great combo.
I just finished watching the Braves game (they beat the Cubs 5-4!!). I was really enjoying the fact Heyward hit his first career grandslam. Then a thought hit me and I realized how depressed I am becoming while having to wait on all of this: the thought came to me that if whatever tests they run come back that I have MS, it is very likely I will never get married. I have seen what my dad has dealt with, and I simply don't see how that would be fair to do that to someone. And, as much as I want a large family, I already have PCOS which scares me to pass along to my daughters -- I definitely don't want to risk passing along something even worse. I am "only" 25, but at the same time, I am beginning to hear that clock. I don't want to be that way. I have seen too many people marry people that are so wrong for them simply because they feel it is time. I absolutely refuse to be a part of that statistic, but that doesn't mean the thoughts aren't there. I just have so much weighing on me right now and day in and day out things are getting harder. The waiting is literally making me depressed. I am crying all the time not knowing what is going on and why all of this is happening. I am truly scared and instead of turning to God and others for help, I am turning away from Him and, in front of most people, am acting like everything is just fine.
I hesitate telling more people than already know, because I don't want to first of all worry them. Secondly, I don't want people contacting me because they feel obligated to check on me. Thirdly, I know that once I say the words "I'm being tested for MS", that person - no matter what the test results - will never look at me the same and will always wonder what may happen in the future. There are actually 5 people off the top of my head that I have considered telling, but I simply can't bring myself to do it. I just want to stick to those who know already. I just wish I had some outlet that would let me get this weight off my chest, because I'm suffocating..fast.
I just finished watching the Braves game (they beat the Cubs 5-4!!). I was really enjoying the fact Heyward hit his first career grandslam. Then a thought hit me and I realized how depressed I am becoming while having to wait on all of this: the thought came to me that if whatever tests they run come back that I have MS, it is very likely I will never get married. I have seen what my dad has dealt with, and I simply don't see how that would be fair to do that to someone. And, as much as I want a large family, I already have PCOS which scares me to pass along to my daughters -- I definitely don't want to risk passing along something even worse. I am "only" 25, but at the same time, I am beginning to hear that clock. I don't want to be that way. I have seen too many people marry people that are so wrong for them simply because they feel it is time. I absolutely refuse to be a part of that statistic, but that doesn't mean the thoughts aren't there. I just have so much weighing on me right now and day in and day out things are getting harder. The waiting is literally making me depressed. I am crying all the time not knowing what is going on and why all of this is happening. I am truly scared and instead of turning to God and others for help, I am turning away from Him and, in front of most people, am acting like everything is just fine.
I hesitate telling more people than already know, because I don't want to first of all worry them. Secondly, I don't want people contacting me because they feel obligated to check on me. Thirdly, I know that once I say the words "I'm being tested for MS", that person - no matter what the test results - will never look at me the same and will always wonder what may happen in the future. There are actually 5 people off the top of my head that I have considered telling, but I simply can't bring myself to do it. I just want to stick to those who know already. I just wish I had some outlet that would let me get this weight off my chest, because I'm suffocating..fast.
Still No Word
I tried calling my doctor today to simply make sure they received the fax I sent them. It was a list of neurologists covered under my insurance. She called me back, but I was sleeping (I worked last night). So, I called her back aaaaand never heard back. This would be the perfect week to be able to get something scheduled, because I don't work again til Friday, but it's looking less and less hopeful. Sucks. Not to mention everyday that goes by is one more day of me being stressed, because I am so worried about what all of this could be! I'm scared out of my mind, and I can't even manage to get a referral yet!! UGH. They said they'd try to get me in this week, so let's get the ball rollin!!
Monday, August 22, 2011
Dang...That's Unfortunate
I got a voicemail while getting ready for work. The lady I was goin to help tomorrow is no longer in need of my help. I'm actually pretty disappointed. Something I was really looking forward to - even if it did mean I'd have to wake up early from workin all night tonight. Oh well. What are ya going to do? Off to work I go! PRAYING for a good night!!
Sunday, August 21, 2011
How Can I Count On Others....
When my family isn't even there for me. I went to go for a run, and I wanted a change of scenery. I drove the few extra minutes to my hometown. Was going to park in my mom's driveway and just leave from there. Low and behold, her car is in the driveway. So, not only has she not talked to me since Tuesday, she also didn't bother to tell me she is in town. How am I EVER going to learn to trust again, when I can't even trust my own family to either keep my secrets or at the very least tell me when they are coming in town?! So, needless to say, I found somewhere else to park.
Answered Prayer?
It is like God knew I needed something to help get me out of this horrible slump I am in, and He did something about it. Even though I have wanted little to do with people lately, I was sent an email. It was sent out to many people, but it struck me particularly hard. It was from my old youth pastor saying that a member of his church (he now has his own church) was in need of a caregiver and has no family in the area. I don't know that I've ever jumped at anything so quickly. I don't even know why honestly. It just seemed like it would be perfect. Yes, I hate my current job. I LOVE being a nurse. The problem comes when I feel guilty for not being able to spend the time I want to with my patients. I keep thinking of all the things I need to be doing while they are telling me their life stories. But this will be one on one care for someone who...HELLO...just had surgery. In my previous post, I explained I am an ortho/neuro nurse. I have yet to find out what kind of surgery this patient had, but I work with surgical patients constantly. I actually prefer them to my confused patients. I do love the confused ones sometimes, but they make for a difficult night at work, because they want to cuss at you, kick/hit/bite you, climb out of bed and fall, threaten you, tell you what a horrible person you are...oh and the one that gets to me the most...tells me one day I'll get what I deserve! I had a patient tell me that once, because I wouldn't give her more pain meds. Sorry, but when you go loopy enough to pull off your gown, throw it on the floor, rip out your IV, get yourself in a bloody mess, and get all sorts of confused...sorry, but ya need to get it out of your system. This one on one care may be just what I need this week. It is tentative right now, as I explained to the gentleman I talked to that I may possibly have an appt this week and don't know when. It will only be for two hours if I can manage to go, but a part of me wants to volunteer for an overnight shift or something. I don't know why I am feeling so moved about this patient, but I really am. I don't even know anything about her. I just want to help.
The Last Couple of Weeks
I have truly pulled away from people the last couple of weeks. I have been through a lot and did not find the support I needed where I expected to find it by any means. Let me go back a few years to explain my story. I was in college and started feeling differently. I was starting to have a lot of pain and heaviness in my legs. I remember tryin to cuddle with the guy I was seeing and feeling guilty, because I simply couldn't handle the weight of his legs on mine. He is by no means a large guy, so it was not the weight factor itself. I never did anything about it, because, frankly, I did not have insurance and I definitely did not have money. Well, I am now working and I am required to have yearly workups at work for insurance purposes. This includes things like weight, vitals, and a CMP (complete metabolic panel..a blood test). I expected nothing out of the ordinary, because I go running pretty often and, while my diet is not necessarily the best, it is by far not the worst. My weight was good and so was my blood pressure (119/66 which is actually kind of high for me, so that bothered me...but it is still good). Well, the nurse had trouble taking my blood at first even with the baby needle that I use on my little old ladies with no veins. That happens occasionally with me, so I just dealt with it, and she managed to have success in the other arm. We got that handled, and then she did my PPD. I then got fitted for my respirator mask and that was that. I was starving, because I had to fast for 12 hours before the bloodwork. My stepdad was in town getting his house together to put on the market, so I went and picked us up some brunch.
The following day, I get a phonecall. I actually missed the call, because I was driving home. I started listening to the voicemail while I was driving. Huge mistake. My eyes immediately started getting misty, so I found a parking lot to pull into. It was the nurse who had checked out my bloodwork results. She said everything looked good...except...and she HESITATED!! She said my potassium was high and that the sample did not appear hemolyzed. For those who do not know, a hemolyzed sample often affects the potassium level and can cause it to appear high. I immediately freaked. I am well aware that when one of my patients has a high potassium level, it is important to notify the MD, because potassium can affect cardiac arrythmias. We do not worry as much in hemodialysis patients who will go for dialysis that day, because high potassium can also be a symptom of poor renal function..ie. a dialysis patient. I called..who else...MOM. She didn't answer!! I did not want to talk to anyone else but her. She and I do butt heads a lot, because we have very similar personalities, but whenever something big like that happens, she is most often who I want to run to. So, I tried to pull myself together, finish driving home, and called her again. I still got no answer, so I called the house. Nothing. I texted her. I said, I got the test results...please call me. I definitely did not want to leave in the text the results, because I knew she wouldn't understand the implications. I finally called my stepdad hoping that he would know her whereabouts (yes, even though they were nearly four hours apart, he still has a pretty good inclination). He was on the phone with her! So, she called me back a couple minutes later and stated, "You don't sound good!" I immediately broke down. She just kept telling me not to worry and that everything would be ok and to just pray about it. I started researching my nursing books and the internet..Bingo! I started singing a bit of a different tune.
It turns out that potassium can cause numbness and tingling (also what I started feeling 2-3 years ago) and fatigue. Well, I'm not really sure what true restfulness feels like, because I've felt "fatigued" all my life. It has never matter if I've gotten 2 hours or 14 hours of sleep, I still feel exhausted. Because of this finding, I was feeling a bit of hope. The nurse had asked if I wanted to be retested, and my response was, "Definitely!" Once I had done my research, I was actually kind of hoping it would come back with the same result, because then I could actually find a reason for what I'd been feeling for so long. I was still afraid to eat much the next few days (I had to wait all weekend to get it redrawn), but I tried so hard to ignore it. Well, when you work Friday, Saturday, and Sunday and have patients who are being given meds for high potassium hoping it goes down, it is not very easy to forget about your own problems, but goodness if I did not try!! My appointment was for whenever I could manage to get off work Monday morning (I work nights).
The next morning at 0730, I got my call. She said it was still slightly high but that it was slightly hemolyzed so it was probably fine. I was actually kind of distraught. So, I sent out a facebook message to the few people I had informed of what had been going on. I really did not want people knowing, but one of my friends pointed out that that was why we have friends and family and that they can be a prayer support group. So, I gave in and told a few people. The response I got only made me feel worse. My mom texted me and told me she was upset, because I did not call her when I woke up. Um. I woke up at 7. Figured she would be asleep. When she texted me, I was about to go running. Never heard from my sisters. HOWEVER, I found out from my stepmom that my older sister had told my dad everything. I specifically told her I did not want him knowing anything! He was the one person more than anyone I did not want to know.
Here's the thing about my dad. He has Multiple Sclerosis and his dad had it as well. Here's where it freaks me out. The symptoms I'm having can easily be translated into MS. That is why I'm just about to lose it right now. The thing that really angered me (besides the fact my sister completely betrayed my trust) is that she told him "she has high potassium and they think it is MS". Way to twist a freaking story!! My stepmom has known for a couple years I have been having trouble, but was fortunately nice enough not to mention it to my dad, because she knew I did not want to worry him when I did not know what was going on. So, once my sister told him, I felt I had hurt his feelings. He called me and left me a voicemail pretending he did not know anything and just wanted to see how I was doing. I texted him and said that I was sorry but I was not in the mood to talk on the phone to anyone...which was the truth. For about a week and a half I have been either texting people or not talking to anyone at all.
I have not talked to my mom since she flipped out on me that morning. I layed into my older sister that day and her response was to put some stupid comment on FB about the fact she hates drama and theatrics. I wanted so badly to tell her then she shouldn't start it! But, I kept my composure and have just decided not to have anything to do with her right now instead until some of my anger dissipates. I did not hear from my little sister until that night, and I kind of wish now I just had not heard from her at all.
She called and left me a voicemail explaining she had a question for me. To this, I responded again that I was sorry but I did not feel like talking on the phone but I would help her any way I could. She said she was not asking over text and this went back and forth several minutes. She called again, and through my tears I answered gruffly, "What do you want?!" She was obviously flustered, and said she just wanted to ask me to be her maid of honor...and then hung up on me. I felt lower than dirt. I just didn't understand why she did not wait to ask me, because she knew I was upset. I felt, and still feel, like the worst person on the face of the earth for ruining that life experience for her that she can never get back. It makes me cry now just reliving it. I am a very sentimental person, and I would hate for someone to ruin that for me. I texted her and said I was truly sorry for ruining something for her again. She texted back asking, "Again?". I never responded. I did send a note with the check I sent her a couple days ago, though, telling her how sorry I was and that again I would be truly honored to be her maid of honor. I do not feel like I am maid of honor material for anyone, because I am not all into the details of things and...I don't know, it's hard to explain. I am also still recovering from the bridezilla that was my other sister...over two years ago. So, I am not really excited to possibly go through it again, although, I feel that with this sister's personality things will be different. It also sucks, because at this point I would have been married myself. I had the love of my life and lost it. That's a story for another time though. So, while I'm not jealous of my sister and her happiness, I am kind of sad for what I would have had, but I've learned it was probably for the best.
So where do I go from here? Why am I still pulling away from people (besides the fact that I attempted to keep people involved and got CRAP for responses)? Well, I put in a call to my doctor last week. She is going to try to refer me to a neurologist. Yup, I am getting tested...for MS. It is the diagnosis my sisters and I have feared for years. My grandfather died 18 days after I was born, so I never met him. I do know that he became wheelchair bound from his MS and died at 55 years old. My dad has beat him as far as age goes, but he uses a cane, sometimes a walker, and now has a chairlift on his stairs at home. He was laid off from work this year, and so he spends most of his time simply sitting at home watching tv or reading. I wish he would take a more active role in exercising on his ample selection or equipment upstairs that my stepmom got in an attempt for him to take care of himself. He just won't. it would be so beneficial for him. It has been really hard to watch him slowly decline over the years, but I do know that for as long as he has had it he is doing relatively well. I am so deathly afraid of being given this diagnosis that has plagued my family. All I can do is sit and wait on a phonecall to tell me when my appointment is. They said they were going to try to get me in this week.
My job makes all of this harder on me. I work as and ortho/NEURO nurse. I see people having surgeries on a daily basis to resolve numbness and tingling. Hey, if surgery would heal all of this for me, I say let's do it and somehow I'll find the money. To be able to get rid of the constant pain I'm in...the heaviness in my legs, the tingling in my fingers and feet...the numbness in my legs and feet...the aching in my arms...yes please!!! I just know with my family history, I am high risk for MS and it is hard to forget that fact as much as I try. This week could literally change the rest of my life. And, wouldn't ya know, when I need my family the most, with the exception of my dad, I am not on speaking terms with any of them. Wow. Getting through these last couple weeks has by no means been an easy feat. I have cried on and off everyday. My nerves have been completely shot.
I am actually thankful that scheduling for my vacation got messed up and that I have been off work for the last week. I needed it so badly. Unfortunately, I have to go back tomorrow night. On the upside of that, I will then be off until Friday and will work all weekend. Hopefully, in the time in between I will have gone through my tests and will maybe even have an answer. A part of me still wants to retreat to what I've always done, though, and hide my head in the sand. I don't want to know for fear of what may be. I have never been so scared in my life. I know what a diagnosis of MS means. I've grown up with it. I used to have my friends ask if my dad was drunk, because he would stumble so much, especially getting out of the car. I live in constant fear of him falling (which he does constantly) and truly hurting himself. How can I watch out for him like I've always done if I myself get in the same position??
My heart is heavy with worry. There's nothing I can do. It is completely out of my hands, including my appointment time. There's nothing I can do except pray and pretend that all of this is not on my mind constantly when I talk to or am around other people. I mean it was hard enough to pretend I was not in constant pain...but now to keep all of this a secret? The thing is, if the tests do come back that I have MS, I'm not sure that I would actually tell anyone. I really just don't know right now. Well, here's to praying for the best.
The following day, I get a phonecall. I actually missed the call, because I was driving home. I started listening to the voicemail while I was driving. Huge mistake. My eyes immediately started getting misty, so I found a parking lot to pull into. It was the nurse who had checked out my bloodwork results. She said everything looked good...except...and she HESITATED!! She said my potassium was high and that the sample did not appear hemolyzed. For those who do not know, a hemolyzed sample often affects the potassium level and can cause it to appear high. I immediately freaked. I am well aware that when one of my patients has a high potassium level, it is important to notify the MD, because potassium can affect cardiac arrythmias. We do not worry as much in hemodialysis patients who will go for dialysis that day, because high potassium can also be a symptom of poor renal function..ie. a dialysis patient. I called..who else...MOM. She didn't answer!! I did not want to talk to anyone else but her. She and I do butt heads a lot, because we have very similar personalities, but whenever something big like that happens, she is most often who I want to run to. So, I tried to pull myself together, finish driving home, and called her again. I still got no answer, so I called the house. Nothing. I texted her. I said, I got the test results...please call me. I definitely did not want to leave in the text the results, because I knew she wouldn't understand the implications. I finally called my stepdad hoping that he would know her whereabouts (yes, even though they were nearly four hours apart, he still has a pretty good inclination). He was on the phone with her! So, she called me back a couple minutes later and stated, "You don't sound good!" I immediately broke down. She just kept telling me not to worry and that everything would be ok and to just pray about it. I started researching my nursing books and the internet..Bingo! I started singing a bit of a different tune.
It turns out that potassium can cause numbness and tingling (also what I started feeling 2-3 years ago) and fatigue. Well, I'm not really sure what true restfulness feels like, because I've felt "fatigued" all my life. It has never matter if I've gotten 2 hours or 14 hours of sleep, I still feel exhausted. Because of this finding, I was feeling a bit of hope. The nurse had asked if I wanted to be retested, and my response was, "Definitely!" Once I had done my research, I was actually kind of hoping it would come back with the same result, because then I could actually find a reason for what I'd been feeling for so long. I was still afraid to eat much the next few days (I had to wait all weekend to get it redrawn), but I tried so hard to ignore it. Well, when you work Friday, Saturday, and Sunday and have patients who are being given meds for high potassium hoping it goes down, it is not very easy to forget about your own problems, but goodness if I did not try!! My appointment was for whenever I could manage to get off work Monday morning (I work nights).
The next morning at 0730, I got my call. She said it was still slightly high but that it was slightly hemolyzed so it was probably fine. I was actually kind of distraught. So, I sent out a facebook message to the few people I had informed of what had been going on. I really did not want people knowing, but one of my friends pointed out that that was why we have friends and family and that they can be a prayer support group. So, I gave in and told a few people. The response I got only made me feel worse. My mom texted me and told me she was upset, because I did not call her when I woke up. Um. I woke up at 7. Figured she would be asleep. When she texted me, I was about to go running. Never heard from my sisters. HOWEVER, I found out from my stepmom that my older sister had told my dad everything. I specifically told her I did not want him knowing anything! He was the one person more than anyone I did not want to know.
Here's the thing about my dad. He has Multiple Sclerosis and his dad had it as well. Here's where it freaks me out. The symptoms I'm having can easily be translated into MS. That is why I'm just about to lose it right now. The thing that really angered me (besides the fact my sister completely betrayed my trust) is that she told him "she has high potassium and they think it is MS". Way to twist a freaking story!! My stepmom has known for a couple years I have been having trouble, but was fortunately nice enough not to mention it to my dad, because she knew I did not want to worry him when I did not know what was going on. So, once my sister told him, I felt I had hurt his feelings. He called me and left me a voicemail pretending he did not know anything and just wanted to see how I was doing. I texted him and said that I was sorry but I was not in the mood to talk on the phone to anyone...which was the truth. For about a week and a half I have been either texting people or not talking to anyone at all.
I have not talked to my mom since she flipped out on me that morning. I layed into my older sister that day and her response was to put some stupid comment on FB about the fact she hates drama and theatrics. I wanted so badly to tell her then she shouldn't start it! But, I kept my composure and have just decided not to have anything to do with her right now instead until some of my anger dissipates. I did not hear from my little sister until that night, and I kind of wish now I just had not heard from her at all.
She called and left me a voicemail explaining she had a question for me. To this, I responded again that I was sorry but I did not feel like talking on the phone but I would help her any way I could. She said she was not asking over text and this went back and forth several minutes. She called again, and through my tears I answered gruffly, "What do you want?!" She was obviously flustered, and said she just wanted to ask me to be her maid of honor...and then hung up on me. I felt lower than dirt. I just didn't understand why she did not wait to ask me, because she knew I was upset. I felt, and still feel, like the worst person on the face of the earth for ruining that life experience for her that she can never get back. It makes me cry now just reliving it. I am a very sentimental person, and I would hate for someone to ruin that for me. I texted her and said I was truly sorry for ruining something for her again. She texted back asking, "Again?". I never responded. I did send a note with the check I sent her a couple days ago, though, telling her how sorry I was and that again I would be truly honored to be her maid of honor. I do not feel like I am maid of honor material for anyone, because I am not all into the details of things and...I don't know, it's hard to explain. I am also still recovering from the bridezilla that was my other sister...over two years ago. So, I am not really excited to possibly go through it again, although, I feel that with this sister's personality things will be different. It also sucks, because at this point I would have been married myself. I had the love of my life and lost it. That's a story for another time though. So, while I'm not jealous of my sister and her happiness, I am kind of sad for what I would have had, but I've learned it was probably for the best.
So where do I go from here? Why am I still pulling away from people (besides the fact that I attempted to keep people involved and got CRAP for responses)? Well, I put in a call to my doctor last week. She is going to try to refer me to a neurologist. Yup, I am getting tested...for MS. It is the diagnosis my sisters and I have feared for years. My grandfather died 18 days after I was born, so I never met him. I do know that he became wheelchair bound from his MS and died at 55 years old. My dad has beat him as far as age goes, but he uses a cane, sometimes a walker, and now has a chairlift on his stairs at home. He was laid off from work this year, and so he spends most of his time simply sitting at home watching tv or reading. I wish he would take a more active role in exercising on his ample selection or equipment upstairs that my stepmom got in an attempt for him to take care of himself. He just won't. it would be so beneficial for him. It has been really hard to watch him slowly decline over the years, but I do know that for as long as he has had it he is doing relatively well. I am so deathly afraid of being given this diagnosis that has plagued my family. All I can do is sit and wait on a phonecall to tell me when my appointment is. They said they were going to try to get me in this week.
My job makes all of this harder on me. I work as and ortho/NEURO nurse. I see people having surgeries on a daily basis to resolve numbness and tingling. Hey, if surgery would heal all of this for me, I say let's do it and somehow I'll find the money. To be able to get rid of the constant pain I'm in...the heaviness in my legs, the tingling in my fingers and feet...the numbness in my legs and feet...the aching in my arms...yes please!!! I just know with my family history, I am high risk for MS and it is hard to forget that fact as much as I try. This week could literally change the rest of my life. And, wouldn't ya know, when I need my family the most, with the exception of my dad, I am not on speaking terms with any of them. Wow. Getting through these last couple weeks has by no means been an easy feat. I have cried on and off everyday. My nerves have been completely shot.
I am actually thankful that scheduling for my vacation got messed up and that I have been off work for the last week. I needed it so badly. Unfortunately, I have to go back tomorrow night. On the upside of that, I will then be off until Friday and will work all weekend. Hopefully, in the time in between I will have gone through my tests and will maybe even have an answer. A part of me still wants to retreat to what I've always done, though, and hide my head in the sand. I don't want to know for fear of what may be. I have never been so scared in my life. I know what a diagnosis of MS means. I've grown up with it. I used to have my friends ask if my dad was drunk, because he would stumble so much, especially getting out of the car. I live in constant fear of him falling (which he does constantly) and truly hurting himself. How can I watch out for him like I've always done if I myself get in the same position??
My heart is heavy with worry. There's nothing I can do. It is completely out of my hands, including my appointment time. There's nothing I can do except pray and pretend that all of this is not on my mind constantly when I talk to or am around other people. I mean it was hard enough to pretend I was not in constant pain...but now to keep all of this a secret? The thing is, if the tests do come back that I have MS, I'm not sure that I would actually tell anyone. I really just don't know right now. Well, here's to praying for the best.
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